The Pursuit for Asylum

Graduation is approaching!

2011-05-09T16:29:00.002-04:00

Well, it is finals week! I have two finals this week, neither of which I am worried about.

Currently, I am working on my senior honor's thesis...aka a big pain in my butt. I have been working on it forever!!!! It is quite interesting though...it is entitled

A Survey of the Similarities and Differences of Doctors of Osteopathic Medicine, Medical Doctors, and Their Corresponding Medical Training

A literature review

It has been very insightful and I have learned more about the process of medical school and all of the lovely tests I have to look forward to. My hope is to finish it tonight and then I may be bold and post part of it on here, I say part because I highly doubt 20 pages of my ramblings will fit on here.

Graduation is next weekend. I still cannot believe that I will have a degree so soon. It brings me one step (of many steps) closer to my goal. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be attained, but I am determined and stubborn so with time, I am sure it will be achieved.

Until next time...back to writing!

Changes

2011-05-03T20:05:00.002-04:00

So i chose Case Western Reserve University, as apparently everyone knew I would. I just found an apartment up in Cleveland Heights last week. I originally thought I would be starting school in august, but I was offered a research position at Case starting the first week of June. My world is turning upside much sooner than I thought!

I never do well with change and I cant believe I honestly thought I would be ok with this change. This is probably the biggest change Ive had thus far. Moving the farthest away from my family, my friends, my boyfriend and roommate. Its going to be so weird not waking up to him every morning. I just hope I dont get depressed from being alone all the time, ok well not alone. I have my kitten kingsley and I am thinking about getting another one. I find myself crying at least once a day already just anticipating the changes...we move out of our first place in less than 3o days.

As much as I hated YSU I did have some good experiences and I made great friendships. I hope I am able to make friends in Cleveland. I heard that grad students dont have alot of time for friends....hopefully our program will have some cool people in it that I can become close to. I just hope this program gets me to where I want to be: med school. I dont know what I will do if I dont get into a medical school program.

So many changes...and the problem with life is that it is always changing. I might as well get used to it!

The coming of a new life chapter and touch decisions

2011-04-08T17:46:00.005-04:00

I cant believe how long I can go without posting. Sure, I think about it, but I never have time to do so. I think at the times I am most stressed, I feel blogging will help.

I was rereading some of my old posts today....I cant believe I started this blog almost four years ago. I was just starting college, now here I am preparing for graduation. It's scary. I find that I am having the same anxiety I did when I was graduating high school. Mostly, fear of the future.

So, what are my plans for the future? Well...I am going to get my Masters degree. I applied to 5 schools and was very surprised at the 3 that I have so far been accepted into:

Drexel University for their Pharmacology/Physiology program.
Positives: Amazing program, only school that has both areas that I want.
They offered me a place in their PhD program...but I wasnt ready to commit that length of time when it is not what I wanted.
It is in a huge city that has so much to offer.
Faculty works within the med school and could provide great recommendations for me to help get me into their med school.
Negatives: It is in Philadelphia, which is an 8 hour drive from home.
It costs 2x as much to live in philly than it does here.
They are not offering me any money.
I do not think I would have time to work.
Interesting research, but not anything I would specifically like to do

Case Western for their Medical Physiology program.
Positives: I have always wanted to go to Case.
It is a very prestigious school with the med school I want to go to.
The courses offered are in medical physiology and pathophys which are my fav, I could take electives in Pharmacology to create the type of program I like.
Faculty has great connections.
The program is a post bac, which means it is directed at getting you into med school.
It is close to home.
Research is optional and lots of research going on with kidneys
Negatives: Not offering me any money.
Super expensive school.
It is a non thesis degree (means that I dont do research or a thesis) could be difficult to get into other programs or jobs if I dont get into med school.
Brand new program, no history on the success of the program

University of Toledo for their Pharmacology/Toxicology program.
Positives: They have a successful and competitive program.
Brand new facility. On location with the med school and hospital.
One prof is doing research with kidneys.
They offered me full tuition and a $11,000 stipend per year
Negatives: It is a little far from home.
Grad students said that faculty was not very involved
No students in their program have ever gone to med school.
Have to take alot of hours, do research, and teach

I have no idea, ok i have a little idea, which school I am going to accept into. I have to decide by monday and in addition to all this stress about grad school, I just started a new job and have a lot of training and testing to do, I have 3 papers (including my honors thesis) due friday, a power point group presentation due friday, AND a calc test. I really hope I can get it all done and make the right decision for my future.

sickkkk

2010-07-19T15:10:00.003-04:00

So i most def got sicker. I had to leave work early. My migraine turned into a swollen throat and glands, stiff neck, fever, not sleeping or eating, among just being tired and laying around weak.

Finally went to urgent care today. The Dr blew off everything except the migraine. So I got a shot of toradol (which i must admit took care of the headache for the most part) and a day off work to sleep and let the pain meds work. Im just mad that it did nothing for my neck, which is half of the reason i cant sleep, or for my throat. Josh made me eat something so i managed to eat a bit of mcdonalds (the first thing since saturday). Im trying to drink some fluids to stay hydrated. I am feeling a bit better as i can now sit up in front of the tv and computer which is something i couldnt do yesterday.

I guess we will see how the day plays out but i wish josh didnt have to go to work and leave me at home by myself :( Maybe ill feel well enough to read a bit today.

Migraine from Hell

2010-07-18T10:22:00.001-04:00

I think the title says it all. Came home last night after girls night with a migraine. Im starting to think red wine may be a trigger. One glass of sangria is not worth of 12 hours of pain. I didnt sleep well and now I have to go to work allllll day. Serving until about 2 or 3 and then stranded there (due to the lack of a car at the moment) until 5 when i have to expo and then ill be there till around 9. I hate being sick. Two weeks ago i started passing out, last week i acquired a sinus infection, which i literally just got over yesterday and now i have a migraine and im congested again and feel like im going to start passing out again.

Gotta go. my rides here. Hope i make it through the day.

Boredom

2010-07-17T14:21:00.002-04:00

Went to bed early last night so i didnt end up going out with people from work for a girls going away party. I shouldve gone...I wanted to go...but i went to bed instead. I will say that Josh and I did go out. We went to an indoor glow in the dark putt putt and then to dinner. It was nice. I honestly do love spending time with him. It just sucks when were at home because we dont do anything together.

I slept about 10 hours. Woke up. Moved to the couch. Slept another 2 hours. Ate lunch. Now ive been on facebook and watching my DVR for the last couple hours. I think im going to read next. I should clean, but that was supposed to be Joshs responsibility yesterday that he didnt do. Tonight I am supposed to go out with girls i graduated with. I will force myself to go out with them. Were going to olive garden. I guess we will see how that goes.

Im rather bored. But yet I dont want to do any more than I am doing. I guess I will just wait to see how the rest of the day goes. I am really not looking forward to tomorrow. I work a double at work and I wont have a car :(

different day, same feelings

2010-07-16T14:54:00.003-04:00

This is like a record for me...but for some reason i just feel like blogging. Its almost too bad no one reads my blogs, I could almost use an ear or some advice.

Ive been reading a good book. Its called "The Brain in Love". Really interesting. So far its about the different parts of the brain that are involved in relationships and sex and how problems in these parts can affect you and your partner. Ironically its all problems relating to depression, anxiety, bipolar, adhd and different psychological problems..which i guess when you think about it those are the problems that occur in the brain..mental issues. Anyway..i think its a good book. It talks about the physiological and pharmacological aspects that i learned about last semester but applies them to relationships. It takes what i love-science, and allows me to apply it to everyday life.

That's what i've doing today. Josh and I were gonna get out of the apartment and go putt putt or geocaching, but once again somehow weve managed to stay inside. Him playing video games and myself watching recorded episodes of Criminal Minds. I still havent called my doctor. I havent called any of my doctors: the eye dr, the dentist, the gyno, the endocrin, or the psych. Five doctors i was supposed to see this summer. Thankfully summer is almost over.

Then its back to school. My classes this semester are going to be hard:
Advanced systems physiology, Gross Anatomy, Mammalian Endocrinology, and writing 2(online)

I wont be on campus much since i only have three actual classes but sadly two of those classes have labs. I hate labs. Lab write ups are time consuming and pointless. Im dreading this semester...its this semester that i have to decide what i am doing next year. I have to apply to graduate schools. Im not applying to med schools right now...theres no way i will get in. Im going to apply a masters program instead and then from there hopefully i can apply to med school. Still, i have no idea where i am going to go to med school. Also, how much should i include josh into my decision...i dont think i could stand to go very far away now.

So those are my thoughts of the day. Written for readers that do not exist, which is ok. Id rather no one read this instead of the wrong people reading it..aka my family.

The big debate

2010-07-15T14:58:00.002-04:00

oooo two posts in a row...im on a roll.

so ive noticed that i have been becoming more depressed lately. I thought maybe I was imagining it but I asked Josh today if he noticed any changes in me and his comment was along the lines of "yea, youre all depressed all the time, you remind me of Eeyore". Apparently his mom noticed too. Why didnt i realize sooner? I just realized it this week because people that i usually love to hang out with Im avoiding. A girl from work wanted me to come over and i made up excuses. A girl i go to school with and lived with this year wanted to go to a festival last night and i told her i was still sick (which is true) but i just didnt want to go...she wants to go tonight now, hoping that i feel better....i still dont really want to go.

I have no energy and would rather just watch tv, sleep, or read...all by myself. So now I have to decided if i am going to call up the psych, whom i havent seen in over a year, and make an appt and try to get back on antidepressants. I seem to take all my other meds when im on the antidepressants too. Not to mention that they give me energy and cut down my appetite. Sigh, i want to go...but im just being a chicken and not wanting to call and make an appt.

So thats the debate of the day...
Guess we will see how that goes

Its summer

2010-07-14T21:09:00.002-04:00

I almost forgot that I had this blog. I just felt the need to write and remembered I had this outlet, although it did need some major design updates.

So first I will address my last blog. Dad's cancer did not spread. Although further tests showed that due to a congenital defect (he was lacking the superior vena cava-a really important vein) he could not have his prostate removed. He received radiation treatment. We don't know if the treatment worked, as we are waiting for recent blood results of his PSA. In addition to his congenital defect a mass on his thyroid was also discovered. It hasnt been looked at yet...I guess dad doesnt want to deal with it yet, but as far as we know it doesnt seem to be cancerous. It's been rough and sometimes i feel like me and my dad arent as close...like maybe he is pulling away from me. It doesnt help that I am always busy either.

Lets see what else has changed.

Oh yea. I got fired from Outback...for the stupidest reason. A car accident. I couldnt get into work after getting in an accident leaving work my previous shift which was during a BLIZZARD! That was in feb. I was without a job until April...best couple months of my life! It was so nice to be able to spend time with friends, family, dance, and even studying.

Speaking of studying...due to all my efforts I was able to get a 4.0!!! It pulled my GPA up to a 3.53 and my scholarship is safe. I will also receive grant money this year that i will be able to pocket and work less. Oh yea, and i work at Ruby Tuesday in austintown. Its ok. I def miss outback...not the crappy manager but the company. Instead, i have another crappy manager and a slightly crappy company.

I am also now living in Austintown...with my boyfriend. Gasppp. I know. Im living the life of sin. It happens. In fact...it's always happened. I never could get my shit together. I know i said i would wait until i was married and honestly that was the one promise i intending on keeping. I said no to plenty of guys. Yet, I found the man I want to marry...I love him. We decided to try living together before getting engaged. So far its been rough. I want to kill him half of the time...He wont clean up after himself, but I love him.

Health has been rough. I still dont know whats going on with my body...theres alot of symptoms that cant be explained. At the moment i have a sinus infection which kinda sucks. But im also noticing that i am starting to get depressed again. Im not sure if i should try to start seeing my psych again or just deal with it.

I really dont know what else to write...i probably should go clean up before Josh gets home. Who knows when I will be back!

who knew

2009-12-18T00:48:00.002-05:00

ironic. how things can so drastically change so quickly.

i knew dad went in for testing. He had blood work done earlier that came back with elevated levels of PSA. They sent him for a prostrate exam. It was enlarged. They sent him for a biopsy.
He has cancer.

My dad, my everything, has cancer.

who knew that id ever say that sentence. i knew that was gonna happen as soon as he had to get the tests done. I hate being medically knowledgeable. I know its the best cancer to get, if there is one.

but hes my dad. hes supposed to be invinceable. and he has cancer. CANCER. That 6 letter word i thought could never hurt someone in my family. Relay for life-something i always did, but it never really affected me...until now.

Tomorrow im going with dad to the hospital for him to get tests. They have to see if the cancer has spread before they can figure out how to treat it. If it hasnt spread-its probably completely treatable. If it has...well i really dont want to think about it. I know i have to be strong...and i never knew i could cry so many tears. Because my mind wanders and all i can think about is losing him. It hurts so much. My head hurts, my eyes burn and my face is puffy...but i know that no matter how many tears i cry i cant heal my daddy. IM PREMED and im helpless. I hate this.

please pray for my daddy and for our family.

its been awhile

2009-12-13T21:48:00.002-05:00

wow has it been forever since ive been on here. I guess i dont feel the need to write anymore. I have great friends and people that i can talk to now so i dont rely on journaling about my feelings and other events going on in my life. but i figured its been a year and i should prob update whats going on in my life.

I just finished the fall semester of school. classes are getting harder and harder. i just took physics, biochemistry, and child development. i was also working in one of my professors labs as an organic chemistry research assistant working on my own experiment. Finals were rough..im hoping to get decent grades to get myself off of probation for my scholarship. My gpa fell below a 3.5 last semester so i had to pay for tutition. I worked alll summer doing two jobs and still came over $1000 short of tuition and i was so anxious i didnt know how i was going to pay it. But i am so thankful because this year was the first time that i was given grants. $4000 worth of grants. it paid for all of my tuition and i was even given the rest of it. So this semester i wasnt forced to work all the time and was able to spend more time studying.

I have a great group of girls on my floor this year. Most of them are freshman and alot younger than me but they are some of the nicest girls ive met and i often forget they are younger. Im with the same roommate as last year and i love her to death. Sadly she gets to graduate early and will be leaving me next year. I couldve graduated early but decided to take my time and take the minimum amount of credits a semester so i could enjoy myself and not be so stressed.

The best part of this year is that ive found the love of my life. his name is Josh. We met at work. he works in the kitchen making the food and im a server (going on 4 years at outback). Weve been dating for 7 months on christmas. Hes transferring to my school next year and we are already making plans for a future together. Things have never felt soo right. I trust him with my life and would do anything for him and i know he feels the same. We hope to get engaged within the next year before i go off to med school/grad school. I couldnt be happier than when im with him. ive never wanted to start a family more than i do now and cant wait for us to actually get to do so.

Family life is good. everyone is getting along. and holidays are actually starting to become pleasant and almost enjoyable.

the only thing that i would change if i could is my health. On top of my kidney disorder, my ovarian disorder was confirmed. Im also in the process of being tested for systemic autoimmune diseases because my bloodwork has been showing some bad levels for certain enzymes. But on the bright side i went through my first semester without being hospitalized. I was pretty sick for a couple weeks but managed to just stay in bed and recoup.

Overall life is good. It could always be better...but its def been wayyyy worse. So im content. Hopefully things will continue to get better!

thats it for my update-hopefully it wont take a whole year for the next one and maybe if im lucky ill even have a picture of me and a ring haha

This would happen

2008-09-25T14:11:00.002-04:00

to top it off...now i am sitting in a hospital bed.

went to the drs yesterday morning. betweenthe interactions with my new meds, my super high stress levels, and the fact that i shut myself down the past week and not taken my meds...my levels bottomed out. So yea, i was admitted right away after my appointment. I think they are lower than they were the last time i was in here..so hopefully the come up so i can get out of here.

too much for one person

2008-09-21T22:18:00.002-04:00

i was gonna post awhile ago-but i keep putting it off. Right now things are so overwhelming, and i hope this isnt a long post because idont think i can focus that long.

ive felt really healthy for about 4 weeks. No headaches, no cramps, no chest pains-nothing. it was fantastic. I was doing well emotionally too. But the past week or so things went down hill and i stopped taking mymeds and im not feeling well again..but thats the least of my worries

So the past 3 or 4 weeks i was talking and hanging out with this guy named dustin. and by talking and hanging out i mean him spending the night in my bed every weekend. During the week he was more "focused" on school. that shouldve been my first clue. My friends all told me that he was a jerk and a player and that he was a creep-clue number 2. Then when someone asked if we were "talking" and he said "no we are just friends"-ding ding ding that would be clue number 3. But when we were one on one he was so kind and sweet and loveable. So yea-i had the feeling he may have started talking to another girl but wasnt sure. So i went to the band party and saw him-we were both drinking and he came home with me again. Some crazy stuff went down. and ive never been that intimate with anyone. it was scary but i was ok with it. i felt comfortable with him. Ive never been able to trust guys so it was a big step for me. Yea well the next day he gets dressed and leaves. he texts me 2 hours later saying that he doesnt want to "hang" anymore. and that he really wasnt interested and that he basically used me. I was (and am still) devastated. I knew he was a jerk, yet i defended him to everyone who tried to warn me and now here i am, stupid and hurt. I told some people what happened so that he doesnt pull anything with anyone else. The music frat brothers are all pretty pissed and plan on taking care of him..but he hasnt talked to or acknowledged me in the past week...the sadest part is-that i still like him and care about him even after knowing that he used me. And to add to it-if he apologized to me, and decided that he still wanted to "hang" out-id probably be all for it.

So today (the above part was written last night before i fell asleep) i find out that people are talking about my involvement with dustin! Rumors are going around that i slept with him and everyone knows. IM NOT A SLUT!!! yes, stuff happened-but i dont want people to think badly of me! So i dont know whether i should find the source (i mean obviously dustin is one, but i know of a girl that was spreading it in conversation at the lunch today), i am seriously gonna punch the next person i hear talking about it. and i want to give him a swift kick in the balls.

Moving on-things with my best friend have been even worse. She had a beautiful baby girl aweek and a half ago-which was stressful enough. It wasnt as smooth as a labor as we hoped, and she ended up getting a C section. The baby who was supposed to be Jillian Grace Dukes-is now Aubrey Grace Gordon. Thats a whole separate story. Anyway aubrey is beautiful-and ended up wih jaundice. Not too huge of a deal.

Then i find out liss gets rushed back to the hospital with a 107 degree fever, they tested for meningitis, and turns out she is septic. She has a blood infection-most likely staph. she was receiving blood and things werent helping. she got transferred to cleveland (thank god) and from talking to craig tonight, she seems to be doing better. I have to give him credit though, hes staying up there with her and now the baby is able to be up there too But still..im so scared. I really thought i was going to lose my best friend. I still am scared, shes still in a lot of danger.

So yea, needless to say things havent been going well. i havent been dealing well. i stopped taking my meds. ive avoided driving my car when upset for fear of driving into soething. Im aruging now with dustin about the people talking crap. i really cant take this. ive never wanted to cut more in the past year than i have this past week. i cant focus on school. i cant sleep. im crying all the time. i dont even want to be around anyone otherthan my roommate because i feel like im being judged. i feel helpless because i cant do anything for elissa. here i am premed...and i cant do a darn thing, but be scared because i know too much about whats going on and what a bacterium infection can lead to.

I need help. But i dont even have time to worry about me...elissa needs the help more.

long sigh goes here

2008-08-19T00:02:00.002-04:00

I really need tp write about so much thats going on. Right now i tell myself this is going to be brief but i have a feeling if i hit everything i want to i may be writing for awhile.

Im at band camp. Im all moved into my dorm. I remember writing at this time last year.

Im tired. Im sick. But whats new there. I still donthave diagnosis yet. I have tons of dr appts still. I went to the psych today...he put me back on antidepressants. He wants me to do intensive therapy sessions (2-3 times a week!!!). I said no of course. I guess he was even contemplating admitting me today...ya right! I have too much stuff to do..i couldnt kill myself even if i wanted to. Not to mention on the way home i got pulled over on the turnpike by a statey-another expensive bill...more money-wasted.

So needless to say ive been overwhelmed. I may lose my scholarship because i got a C in cell bio, because i was in the hospital. I dont feel well. But i feel like i cant voice it, because the captain of our colorguard is really sick-with what i dont know, but i feel like im not allowed to be sick. I have 5 million drs appts. I get tired and i havent been able to get afternoon naps so im getting worn down. i was in the hospital again a week ago.

Im not looking foward to classes. I love learning, but i feel so anxious-especially if i lose my scholarship. Im starting to wonder if im cut out for the medical world. I feel like i just want to curl up in my bed and not leave. i dont think ill be able to live the hectic life of a dr.

i know im depressed. I feel like i have to cry all the time-but i cant because ive just blocked out all emotions and bad thoughts. i guess i have some reason to be, but at the same time that all this yucky stuff is going on, i have friends now. I love my girls on the colorguard. And i love my band people. I get to live with new people that i hope i get along with.

Im tired. im always tired whats new. But its late. i have practice early, unfortunately.

more update to come. another dr appt tomorrow..oh joy, maybe ill get answers. pray that i get answers..and the treatment i need to feel better.

More Bad News

2008-08-05T23:25:00.002-04:00

So ive been out of the hospital for almost a week. Im still not feeling well. My electrolyte levels are as high as they have ever been..yet my body sitll isnt liking them too much. I went to the neph today and they are happy with my progress. My arms are still black and blue. It looks like ive been abused. I started back to work...only 3 hour shifts so far. i get exhausted soo easily.

So for the bad news-i knew i was going to have to see a GI dr. ive been having more and mroe intestianl problems. What i didnt know-i am also being made to see aa cardiologist. My neph said i shouldnt be having chest pains like i am. I talked with a woman on our forum (for those with the same rare diease) she said she had to see one at age 26, she was told she had already had little heart attacks (all from low potassium) and a heart angio and all kinds of other problems. She said it sounds like im facing the same sorts of problems. IT SCARES ME TO DEATH!! Ive always ignored the chest pains..but sometimes they get really bad and really painful and really scary. Ive had them alot lately. Especially today. Just getting out of the car and walking into the house has my heart racing and then my chest hurts.

Also-i liked the fact that i lost weight in the hospital. So im now watching what i eat. I also started running. I ran a mile last night and a mile this morning. My lungs hate me. Between asthma and smoking-running=bad choice.

Im just worried. i cant handle any more problems. Its like a game to see how many problems i can acquire before the age of 21.
So far:
i have asthma
allergies
bad eyes
Gitelmans Syndrome
PCOS (still being tested)
insulin resistance
Maybe:
Heart problems?
Intestinal problems?

I am angry. I dont want to be sick. I want to a normal 19 year old. I know i cant handle more bad news. I dont like the idea of gettting more sick as i get older. If i had heart problems too-id probably just kill myself and get it over with...it makes me sad.

oh yea-i never did do the assignment for my psych appt tomorrow. Things with my mom have been alright since ive been sick. They arent great and im not allowing myself to become close to her. But he wants me to write an angry/hate letter to her (which she will never recieve) explaining al the ways shes hurt me. I have old letters and stuff that ive written. But right now-i cant be angry with her..i feel bad for her. im sad. but i cant hate her. my emotions wont let me. maybe i just dont want to drag up hurtful memories...but as of now im over the anger stage.He will just have to accept the old stuff.

Oh well its late. i think im tired. im stressed. final for cell bio is on thurs-so not ready. i realize i have five million things to do in the next couple months. im not gonna make it through the fall semester. im literally gonna end up in the hospital-or give myself a heart attack!! Oh well-thats why im going to go on disability..that way i wont get behind at school.

Im really sad about life right now. And im trying to not feel bad for myself..because i just found out a friend of mine is really sick. She wont say what it is..but from symptoms and other clues..dr bozek thinks she either has HIV or lupus..neither of which or good. So as much as i want to wallow in self pity...she might have it worse...but im not sure.

So over it

2008-07-29T02:21:00.003-04:00

Ok-i am so ready to get out of the hospital. im over it-im over being sick, im over being poked and proded. It took them 3 tries earlier to draw blood. then they had to remove my iv because my hand had started to swell. They spent half an hour trying to get a new iv in..they blew 3 more veins and i still dont have one in. Im tired and cranky. Ive had a migrane all day. I dont want poked again..im too dehyrdated so they cant stick the vein-but thats why i need the iv. i am usually fine with being poked..to some weird extent i enjoy it. But the last one had me screaming and crying. i want to go home.

Ick-stupid kidneys and hospital visits

2008-07-26T11:07:00.003-04:00

Its been a busy week. I been spending lots of time with my highschool and college friends. I got to spend the night with two of my guy friends from college. Ive been hanging out with my beautifully pregnant best friend. we went baby shopping and have done all kinds of things together. Shes doing well. Shes due in about a month and a half. Baby shower is in one week..i have most of the stuff i need to do, done. I found out a couple of love interests. Joe-the guy i liked before tom invited me over monday night. We hung out and listened to dane cook. Then our one graduate student started talking to me...hes a bit older, but im enjoying talking to him.

Then i was stupid wed night. didnt feel good thurs. got labs done yesterday-critically low potassium. Spent 6 hours in the ER. My potassium was up a bit, but my mag was still low, but the increased my meds and let me go. This morning i have had cramps and horrible diarrhea, called the doc...most likely will be going back to the ER in a couple hours if it doesnt get better. They want to treat me outpatient..but will most likely admit me.

Its like a viscious cycle. My K and Mg start off low. they increase my K through IVs and my Mg orally. But too much mg causes diarrhea...diarrhea causes low Mg and K, without Mg i dont retain K..so no matter what i do-im screwed. So its gonna be a slow process if im admitted to get my levels up and keep them up.

So yea-my weekends gonna suck

ive been thinking...

2008-07-20T00:07:00.001-04:00

i want to go to church...

ideal mother: nonexistant in reality

2008-07-17T17:16:00.001-04:00

Ta-Da! The essay-

What makes a mother? Is a mother simply a biological egg donor having some sort of obligation to see the egg into adult form? Or is a mother someone who shares a bond with the life that came from inside her? What makes a good mother from a bad mother?

An ideal/good mother is someone who is involved in their offspring’s life. She is interested in the happenings that occur, whether it’s going to sport events, concerts, or just the practices to see the progress that is occurring.

An ideal/good mother would discipline in a nonviolent way. She would not hit, beat, smack or use objects to cause bodily harm. She would not shove soap down a child’s mouth for talking back. She would not throw things at a child. She would be the mature adult and discipline in a positive manner to teach the child lessons that needed to be learned.

An ideal/good mother would not be judgmental. She would not call her child ugly, fat, or any other word to lower their self esteem. She would not allow other family members to criticize the child in hurtful ways. Instead she would help to raise the child’s self esteem and moral by building the child up instead of constantly tearing her down.

An ideal/good mother would not hold things over their child’s head. She would do things out of love, things that don’t have strings attached. She would want to help their child if they were in need and expect nothing more than a thank you.

An ideal/good mother would show her love for her child. She would give endless hugs; hugs for good happenings-getting good grades or scoring a goal, hugs for bad things-break ups and failures, hugs for no reason at all. She wouldn’t let a day go by without saying ‘I love you’.

writing

2008-07-16T01:53:00.003-04:00

Ive been doing alot of soul searching lately with the assignments from my psych, which i guess is the whole point of them. Before i have been only doing my assignments half heartedly, making lists, instead of really expressing myself. Ive been told im an excellent writer (thank you IB) and i enjoy writing, i think its one positive way that i do express my feelings and emotions. But my psych read my paper and saw how well i wrote and is now giving me lengthier assignments. Thats the second time this month ive amazed someone with my writing capabilites (the other was my chem prof-he paid me a huge compliment).

Anyway, i wrote this to correspond with my "ideal mother" assignment which i turned into an essay. This poem doesnt have a title, nor does it follow my usual layout of poems. Im usually structured and use rhyme. But this was more of just a free verse expression. I dont know if its what i would consider good-but its real. It describes a real relationship and a real hurt and it makes me sad to realize that.

I've been carrying this old baggage
And it’s been really bugging me
I need to forgive you
yet I need to feel resentment.
The clock is always ticking
Bitterness grows by the minute
it runs through my veins
And what I taste is bitter sweet

Did you see that I was hurt
Did you know that you had left me crying
You live so unaware
Maybe you've been wounded too
Maybe all this is your self-protection
And all the hurts you thought were hidden
Are the ones now hurting me.

Your words are more than writing on a page
They're in my mind,
They haunt me every day.
Your tongue is sharper than a blade
Like a razor you cut me
Deeper than you know
Slowly inflicting wounds that never heal
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye

Time and time again I’m reminded
of how I’ve fallen short.
Well, it's not easy for me to be
Somebody different, someone else but me
I've looked as deep as I can
And I want more than just to try and love you
It seems less of you is better for me
So why don't you leave me alone

I'm finally on my own
While I thought somehow this hate would heal me
But instead it”s never ending
Aand it's only killing me
I dont care to glance back
And through my tears I realize
It's time to kiss the past goodbye.

blocked

2008-07-08T20:47:00.002-04:00

I dont think ive ever had a creative block. I want and need to express my feelings, mainly because i have to before my psych appt thursday. I go to start writing and my mind goes blank. Im so used to avoiding things that are hurtful that now when i need to think about it, my mind does everything to avoid it.

hope this cloud clears soon.

Courage

2008-07-01T00:25:00.002-04:00

Take all my viscious ways
and turn them into something good
Take all my preconceptions
and let the truth be understood
Take all my prized possessions
leave only what i need
Take all my pieces of doubt
and let me be whats underneath

Courage is when your afraid
but you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when your in pain
but you keep on living anyway

We all have excuses why
when living in fear
something in us dies
Like a bird with broken wings
its not how high he flies
but the song he sings

Courage is when your afraid
but you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when your in pain
but you keep on living anyway.

searching for answers

2008-06-29T12:45:00.002-04:00

So my latest visit to the psych brought up alot of new things. My nurse called him-told him things that i wasnt-which i was ok with because they are things that he should know, but things that i didnt want to bring up myself. So we talked about alot of things and i hav three new assignments.

1. Write down what i feel would be the ideal mother.
- i guess the idea is to then morn the loss of that mother, because its a mother that i will never have. Issues with my mother are once again unresolved and i guess there are alot of issues that im going to have to deal with.

2. I have to look in the mirror and write what i see/define myself.
- i seriously already avoided looking in the mirror for 48 hours, until i realized it made it hard to to my hair and makeup. I dont know who i am. I know who i used to be...

3. When ever i experience an emotion and want to act upon it, i have to begin to talk myself through the emotion.
-he says i supress my emotions. i have to learn that there are no negative emotions and that when im sad or angry, im allowed to be and i have to embrace them.

I guess they dont seem like hard things to do...but they are. I thought i knew what i wanted in a mother...instead i just know what i dont want. I have no clue who i am anymore. And i dont really want to embrace emotions..i dont know how to handle my emotions. supressing them is my way to numb them, and avoid the confrontation.

well work is calling-serving day 3!

lots of stuff

2008-06-24T22:58:00.002-04:00

Ive been meaning to post for almost two weeks. Tonight was my 2nd night alone serving! Sunday was my first day. its been pretty cool. i like it. money is slightly better than it was as a hostess or takeaway girl. Im hoping to get a bigger section soon and work on a saturday so i can make money!

I have wanted to post about something that happened on my first night of server training though. We got busy shortly after i got there and my trainer had picked up a table on the other side of the restaurant. we got sat in our section but because we were so busy she sent me over to greet the table and get their drinks by myself. Well i went over and introduced myself and said i was training and that i could get their drinks. They said they were ready to order and that i would be fine doing it all myself. So i got everything for them and then when they were getting ready to leave they asked my server if they could speak to me privately. When my trainer left the couple told me they were in ministry. The man said that God whispered in his ear and put me on his heart. He said he didnt know my story but that he wanted me to know God was here for me and had something great planned for my life. He said a prayer at the table for me and slid me a $20 bill. It literally brought tears to my eyes. Ive never experienced God in that way. A complete stranger said exactly what i had been needing to hear. I was broke and in desperate need of money simply for gas to get to and from school and work.

I think it was the first time that i could really feel Gods presence. I wouldnt call it a miracle by any means, but i dont know how else to explain it...it was truly amazing to me. And to think it was the first table that i waited on. I was so nervous and had prayed that i would do ok. It was a sign of reassurance to me.

I just really wanted to right about it. My first summer semester is almost over. i have a lab report to finish and a chem final on thur. next week starts 6 weeks of cell bio. i have a psych appt thurs. im not looking forward to it. im not sure if my nurse called him and told on me. i know i should go back on the antidepressants-but i dont feel like discussing everything with the pysch that ive been working so hard to make sure doesnt come up. hmm..im tired. off to bed.

Its a GIRL

2008-06-12T15:22:00.002-04:00

Im so excited. We found out today that her baby is a girl. Not only that..we thought she was about 20 weeks along..turns out shes more around 27 weeks. She is due mid sept.

I wanted to do something special for her (since i knew her boyfriend wouldnt). i went and got her a single pink rose. Then i went searching for a perfect gift. Our other friend wants to go get girl baby clothes..not very practical at the moment. So i got her a picture frame in which you put the ultrasound. It was perfect!

So shes a happy mommy, with a healthy baby girl on the way. And im still the best friend who gets to take part in it all!

Gotta run..todays my first day serving at the good ol' Outback!

Babies, Babies everywhere!

2008-06-08T13:12:00.003-04:00

So its been about a week. A very eventful week at that. Ive been working alot. Took my liquor test and i believe i passed. i should start training to serve next week. Im really scared. Im the last week ive had no less than 4 nightmares about training/serving disasters.

On to bigger and crazier news. I found out last week that my best friend is pregnant. On top of that i find out that shes five months along! I was shocked and angry at first. I hate her boyfriend and im glad shes not living with him. Hes a creep and hes ten years older. He already has a daughter. hes over protective of my bff and has problems when shes with us (her friends). I flipped out when i found out they were sleeping together because she was barely legal. Now to find out that she got pregnant shortly after! Not only that-she hid it from me for 5 months. Shes due soon. So i was devastated to find out.

Other than that i was just upset because she seemed really distant from me..i cant relate to her. Im older than her yet shes the one whos always been my role model. I dont doubt that shell be a good mother. Shes been working like crazy and whatnot...it just sucks. We are both on two totally different paths in life and i dont want to lose her.

So we talked and things with us are great now. im excited for the baby. she finds out next week what it is. She already has first names picked out, but im helping with middle names. The two of us went and got our hair done and bought some cute dresses for her. Shes ready to stop hiding it and start showing. Alot of people know and found out before me by accident. Shes really relieved that i know and doesnt care who knows now. Its funny, it was a bigger deal telling me than her parents. All of our friends who found out asked right off that bat "what was danielles reaction?" so that was kinda funny. Im going to help with the baby shower and im going to be there for her as much as i can.

Babies have been everywere lately, and the last three or four weeks all ive been able to think about is how i may not be able to have kids...and how i want one. i want a family. But..even so that would be for ten years or so...and most likely it wont happen. So at least i can be an aunt to her baby and spoil it.

Just alot of reflection lately.

my prayer

2008-06-01T20:53:00.002-04:00

Another weekend over. it basically sucked with the exception of today. friday and sat i spent working. sat night the girl called off so i had to close. ive been sick the last 5 days and its gotten progressively worse. i knew it would catch up to me. in fact i jinxed myself. i said that although i havent been taking my meds i havent been getting too many symptoms. but my immune system does get weaker and i get sick alot...the next day...my throat and ears hurt. the cough moved to my chest and it hurts. smoking like i am isnt helping either. its the only thing i can really do to control how i feel right now. and i can only do it in my car. i love the alone time i have in the car...me, my radio, and my cigs. it really helps to calm me..but then i get a headache from getting light headed.

today i slept in. dad picked me up. we went to lunch. then putt-putt, then ice cream. just like old times. i miss my daddy. then i decided to go to church after talking to jake. i miss the crew from youth group (even though that crew only consists of jake, matt, and brit) it was good to see them. I was sooo nervous walking into church. i havent been in church for almost a year. I wouldnt walk inside until they met me outside.

Church was nice. I like listening to pastor tims sermons. i miss bens sermons..they were interesting and quite intellectual. The first thing PT did was a hands on demonstration using pictionary..and of course who does he ask to come up...ME. go figure. Anyway, it was good to listen. Sermon was about watching our tongues. Which is something i need to do. I like knowing things and telling things. i dont do it on purpose..i just like to make conversations and satisfy my curiousity.

Sometime after church..pastor tim walked up to me and put his arm around me and said something along the lines of "im proud of you for overcoming all of the odds in your life" then he gave me a hug. Im soo confused. Part of me wanted to tel him how wrong he was. I definitely have not overcome my odds by any means. i feel like they swallow me up more and more everyday.

I hate this feeling of discontent. I want to be back in the church..but its so hard to see the point. Its a constant cycle with me. Ill go back, become godly, and then revert to sin. I cant live without being sinful in my nature. Everything i do..is sin. We are supposed to treat our bodies as temples of God. I do everything to hurt myself..anything possible i do. Why? I dont know. I think i just hate myself that much. Which is saying that i hate a creation of God, which ive always felt horrible about, because supposedly "god doesnt make junk". I hate how other people see me and think that ive got it all together. I really wish i could just SCREAM to my parents. If i could tell them anything...i think it might go something like this:

-ok. i dont blame you..entirely. but i cant pretend anymore. i cant pretend like im fine. ive pretended for years. you dont know how many times ive wanted to kill myself. how many times the things youve said have hurt me and left scars on me...and it still hurts to this day that you even deny saying them. Ive built this wall up around myself and cant let people in. I feel the need to punish myself since you are no longer able to. I look in the mirror and hate who i am. Im not happy. im not content. im slowly killing myself. i wish i could take my life back so you could live yours. I wish that you were proud of me, yet instead i feel like i dissapoint you around every corner. I hate how i try to reach out and show you a glimmer of my depression..and yet you ignore it. you see what you want to see and refuse to see what you dont want to. none of you know that i have depression nor that im being treated by it. you dont realize the magnitude your negligance and hatred has played in my life and in building my future-if i have one. When you look at me i wish i knew what you saw. do you really see me for who i am? a lost little girl looking for a parents love, a parents acceptance, a parents help. i need guidance and love. i need help. i need support to get me through a time in which i can not get myself through. simply put-im hurting.

that is what i would say...but it is also something i will never say.

anyway..ive spent the last hour reading all of my old posts. i dont know how to feel. ive been through alot in this past year. and i feel like im back where i started. its always like this. will i ever find happiness, love? will i be alone to suffer throughout my whole life, however long that may be?

God-as i close my eyes to pray, i pray that You're near me, now when i need You the most. I pray that You heal me, not my body but my spirit that is so broken that i dont know how much i have left. I pray that You lead me to the water of life that You so freely give and that You give me the power to drink from it and accept the love that You have to offer me. I am fully aware of just how much i need You, yet i am unable to reach out and do something about it. Please give me the strength to perservere and return to a Godly life and put the people in my life who can help me achieve this and so much more. i know i cant do it alone but with You all is possible. one day i want to be able to live the verse Mark 5:34-and He said to her "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering". I want to be freed from my suffering, but that can only be done through You. Im sorry for ignoring You, for pushing You away for so long. I know how much i need You in my life and it scares me to have to be dependent on someone other than myself. Please help me leave my selfish ways. I love You, and will forever. Amen.

Another bad appointment

2008-05-29T21:16:00.002-04:00

I had another appointment with my nephrologist. It seems like they are now about a month and a half apart...which probably isnt a good thing. I knew this appointment would go bad..i just never could have expected it to go this bad.

i havent been taking my meds..thats obvious. Its been over a month. I dont remember what caused me stop taking them..i rarely ever do. things have just been going down hill, as previous posts have explained. Its also quite obvious that i have trouble dealing with things and no one to really talk to.

So at the drs office my nurse made me spill my guts, which i can do with her. Shes the one person i truly trust and she genuinely cares. I lost control in the office and broke down. My dr came in and things got worse. They both want me to get back on antidepressants. Which is fine..but my psych is out of town for a couple weeks. My dr doesnt think im stable enough to wait till then. She asked me if i was going to hurt myself..and i didnt answer. I didnt think she actually meant kill myself (which i have no intention of doing-as has already been established). But i do..i hurt myself all the time. Thats my way of coping. So she freaked out and demanded that i go to the ER for a psych evaluation. I refused and we got into an arguement that apparently my nurse and others heard through the wall.

So yea..my dr is extremely pissed off at me..in a way that ive never seen her. Most likely ill be dropped and transferred to a new dr..which sucks. I talked to my nurse today and we had a heart to heart for about 30 mins. So i feel better...im going to try to get help. i guess i havent been completely honest withmy psych...so i guess that has to change now...

i just hate how things are going..but more of my secrets are coming out into the open. My wall is finally breaking down and im confessing to people who can actually get me help. Ive tried talking to my family..my dad at least..but for my family its a dont ask dont tell kinda thing. Even when ive tried to come clean with my dad..he pretends he didnt hear anything and moves on to the next subject.

Im just tired. I hope things get better.

hurting

2008-05-26T00:04:00.002-04:00

I went and hung out with my favorite set of twins tonight to catch up on things since weve all been away at college. It was great seeing them..i love them to death. But we just talked about everything going on. Its easy to talk about things and pretend your ok. But really...i realize that im not ok. i hate pretending like im ok. Even to my family. No wonder everyone thinks im this strong person. But im being eaten up on the inside.

I miss tom terribly. Ive been crying myself to sleep again. I miss having him to talk to all the time. I just want someone to hold me while i cry so i dont have to do it by myself. He made me feel like i was worth something. and i truly believed him when he said my future was bright. Yet without him it feels so dark. ugh. i dont want to love again if this is how it ends.

im just frustrated. we talked about me being sick and everything. And im just tired of being sick and tired. i feel helpless. i cant even control my own body-how the hell am i supposed to be able to control my future. I just wish my body would stop rebelling...its like its pay back for abusing it. I wish i could just lash back out. i really want to cut...that way the outside would match the chaos going on inside my body. Chaos i have a say in..that i choose..that i can actually comprehend whats going on. I dont know what i think im going to accomplish as a dr. Do i actually think i can heal myself?

i just want to fucking scream and just crawl out of my skin. Im not strong. Im just a coward. If i wasnt i wouldve killed myself years ago. I know there are people worse off. But why is it that everyone i know isnt. Why am i the one thats sick...not with one disorder, but 2, plus other ailments. Why am i the one with a broken family? No matter where i go-its not home, i dont belong. I know it would be better for my family if i wasnt here..it would make their lives so much easier...to not have to pay the bills i cause.

i feel hopeless. im scared. i just want out. i know life isnt going to get any easier...so i dont want to find out what else will go wrong. i cant stand the idea that i could be alone all my life. I wish my disease wouldve killed me the first time. Instead..it kills my spirit a little more every day.

sorry to be debby downer..but its my venting...im not cutting so deal with the my words.

Missing Him

2008-05-22T00:36:00.002-04:00

My friend becky called me today-her and her bf broke up. Me and tom started dating the same time. she said the list of songs i recommended when me and tom broke up were good and that she has been listening to them. Honestly, ive still been listening to alot of them myself. I went and downloaded more today. Something about music ive always loved is that there are songs that you can relate to in any time.
I just know ive been thinking about tom alot lately. Hes been there to talk to through this tough time of bad news. But i hate the fact hes in NY and that i cant be around him. I love him. i want whats best for him, but i cant help but wish i was whats best for him. I know hes best for me. He brought out the best in me. Ive never been so happy and content. he made me a better person, a person i like. I miss him. I miss him laying next to me. I miss falling asleep in his arms and waking up the next morning to him. I miss his hugs and fitting right into the small of his shoulder. I miss his smell. I miss my blankets and pillows and everything smelling like him. I miss him being the one to stop my tears, instead of being the reason for them. I dont blame him. I just wish things were different. We were 2 people, yet strangely when together made one complete person. We complimented each other so well. He loved my faults. He called me a pistol and loved that i was so fiesty. Sigh, i hate crying over it. Its not that im mad at him. I just miss him so much. I hate the fact that im trying to fill the void he left..knowing that no one can fill it. I know ill recover but i dont think ill ever be the same...for which im glad.
Just some lyrics...

"What I Miss The Most"
I hear the sound of gentle rain
Like teardrops on the windowpane
A priceless smile in a wooden frame beside the bed
I stare at the ceiling and talk to the walls
I lay here alone and imagine it all
As a river of memories rush through my head
I can almost taste your kiss as I think about how much I miss

Your hungry eyes, your satin skin
The sound of your voice whisperin'
The love I feel inside your heart
When you're wrapped up in my arms so close
That's what I miss the most

I try to rest but sleep won't come
My body aches and my mind is numb
Shadows fall as the morning sun begins to rise
Another day without you here
Has it been weeks or has it been years
I find it getting harder to keep track of time
I breath in and I breath out but it's getting tough to live without

Your hungry eyes, your satin skin
The sound of your voice whisperin'
The love I feel inside your heart
When you're wrapped up in my arms so close
That's what I miss the most
What I miss the most

another diagnosis-another disapointment

2008-05-19T15:31:00.002-04:00

Its amazing how things can change in one week.

Starting friday my life changed-again.

I went to the dr. (the gyno). My nephrologist made me because we werent sure if it was the new medication i was taking that was messing up things. Anyway...i was so scared to go there and to make matters worse when the dr ends up talking to me, she brings up that she thinks i have PCOS, Polycystic ovarian syndrome. I guess its not to rare (1 out of 10 women) but its not exactly good. Its caused by the over production of male hormones. It causes enlarged ovaries and cysts to be formed in them. It explains so many of my unanswered symptoms that arent tied to Gitelmans. It can lead to diabetes and cancer. It also makes getting pregnant hard to impossible. Im scared.

I dont want to take more medication when i can still barely swallow the 22 i already have to. I cant give myself insulin shots on top of it. I cant cut back the only types of food i like. I cant not be able to have kids. I thought i didnt want kids. But i want them more than ever. I want to give a child the mother i wasnt given, but more importantly the love that my dad gave me. Im so scared. Gitelmans was hard enough to accept..but now, i feel like this is even worse. I want to scream WHY ME! What did i do to deserve disease after disease, illness after illness. Im barely 20. im so tired of being sick and ill all the time. I have more drs than my family combined. Is it possible to be this young and yet soo tired of having to live life. Im trying so hard, but try as i might i dont see this getting better as i get older and im terrified to see what will happen healthwise.

On top of that, driving home from work that night-lost in all of my thoughts and worries. I got into an accident. I totalled my car. I am alright-im pretty sore still. But now i have to help my dad come up with money for a new car along with tutition...more money that is nonexistant.

Im still hopeful and trying to keep faith that things will get better. But im just so frustrated that everytime i start climbing the ladder to living a whole and healthy life where im actually beginning to become happy...it starts to rain and i slip (or am pushed) off the ladder back down into the mud.

All in all-im doing ok. One day at a time i will continue to clinb the ladder until i reach the top.

already here?

2008-05-12T00:44:00.002-04:00

Wow i cant believe its May already. i havent written in forever. I used to rely on blogs to get my feelings out, which is maybe the reason ive been on edge...i dont really have an outlet so to speak. But anyway, its May-im officially done with my first year of college. I think it would be a good time for reflection.

Ive made alot of new friends this semster. My roommate moved out-lots of unsolved issues there, but it caused me to get out and meet people. I finally have a group of people in which i fit in with (the music nerds..go figure) but i also discovered that i am not meant to be a professional musician. I dont have the dedication or desire to. I do intend to try and finish a degree in music theory. I also discovered how much i miss dance. Im going to join dance ensemble next year, and maybe even switch to a minor in dance. I also realized just how much i love science, and genetics, and just how much i was meant to be part of the medical field. Hopefully, as a pediatric kidney dr.

During my first year of college i was in the hospital 6 times. im learning to better control my condition...when i want to. Ive been seeing a pyschiatrist on a regular basis over the past year, which has helped tremendously. Its really weird that it took so long to actually to get to the point that im at now. Im learning how to deal with things better. Im not cutting, not drinking, im taking my pills. I will say that i am smoking. Only during times of high stress. Other than that i think im doing well. Ive recently developed a relationship with my mother, after being astranged from her for about 6 months. We are getting along amazingly well. Theres times where we both have to step back and give each other our space..but its well. I house jumped during my breaks. I havent lived with my mother since i graduated. I moved in with my dad and lived with him during winter break. That didnt work. So i am now living with my grandparents. its going alright.

School itself went alright. i overdid my self. Took alot on...did everything alright, but not great. im taking classes all summer to boost my gpa. yet i took on an even heavier load for the fall. 20 credit hours. more and more i see how important money is, yet how little there actually is. Im afraid that i wont be able to attend medical school and pay for my own insurance.

I met an amazing man. his name is tom. he treated me wonderfully. i met him conincidentaly when i was interested in another guy. We started dating in feb. ive never been with such a wonderful guy. its the first time i was truly able to trust and become intimate with a guy. he became my best friend. i can honestly say i loved and still love him. ive never felt this way for a man. such a sweet and genuine person. we broke up due to conflicting schedules. things got too serious a bit too fast for him. hes still my best friend, even though i want so much more from him. We live different lifes and are pursuing different careers. But like i said hes still my best friend and things havent changed between us. i dont consider it a lost love...i just hope that i can find it once again...now that i know i am capable of loving someone. Although it hurts to have lost him in a sense, ive gained so much from it and i only hope that he can say the same. as much as i want to try and fill this void left from him, i know only time will heal it.

Overall, i think its been a productive year. Ive had alot of trials and failures. but i think in the end ive learned so much, so much about myself and about life in general. I miss highschool so much and the life and friends that i used to be so close with. In a sense ive felt lonely because its so hard to make new friendships when you were perfectly comfortable with the ones you had. My closest friends will always be there for me and even though weve spent the majority of the year apart, once we are together again it will seem like no time has gone by...and thats what matters the most. I cant say that i love life right now...but im learning to. im learning to accept myself...me as a whole..including the things i do not like and the things i cannot change. its hard, but its a process and ultimately i think thats what life is about.

I hope to do more soul searching over the summer. And get back to some important things..like church and God. Ive really put that on the back burner...yet i always feel that tugging and longing to go back. Im hoping that as i begin to put the puzzle pieces of my life back together that i will find God to be the glue that holds it together. I want to continue in this forward motion and find stability in my life-something i dont think that ive ever had. Someday...i hope, i know i will find it.

until then-i will trudge on knowing that tomorrow will be better.

A new year

2008-01-04T13:14:00.000-05:00

I just havent felt like posting lately. Its been almost a month. I guess alots happened, but not really. I finished out the semester with a bang. I thought i was going to be on probation for my scholarship...but i got an A in bio..and everything else..except music theory lab. I saw that coming...i cant hear the stupid intervals and i cant sightsing..and i dont care enough to practice. I didnt think i would be able to do my clarinet juries because of the enteritis, but i did..and for not being able to practice the week before..i kicked ass. I could have never expected to do any better. So that was alot of relief.

During break we had to leave the dorms and move home. Its been rough. The first two weeks i went crazy. I was so used to being on my own, doing what i wanted when i wanted that it was hard adjusting to people expecting certain things of you. My dads been pretty ok though. I still cant stand my stepmother. And my dad wont stick up for me when it comes to her.

Christmas-was hard. I didnt know what to do when it came to spending time with family. My moms slowly becoming a part of my life again..and i hate it. Shes being nice...she carries a softness in her voice..but i dont want her drama. She calls me nonstop now. You cant be nice to me but a witch to the rest of my family. I still want to separate myself from her..just dont know how to go about it.

New Years was ok. I spent NY eve with liss as i have for the past 5/6 years. It was def different. Shes living with her bf and 2 other guys. So i was over there. They are some really cool people, but the whole seriousness of it bothers me. Anyway we had a good time. I didnt really drink. I was still sick from overdoing it the previous week. So its a New Year-im going to try to make it a better year. I am going to make a point to take my pills everyday, no matter how upset i get about outside issues. I know i should stop drinking/smoking...i may. I need to lose weight. But theres no point in making those things into resolutions-because no one ever keeps them.

Hmm, what else..ive been working non stop. I think i over did it. I worked for a week straight, long late hours. So the last 3 days ive had off and i realize just how worn down ive become. I do work tonight, and i dont know the rest of my schedule.

I start school in about a week and a half. Im looking forward to being back in my home! I miss my girls and my privacy. I am apprehensive about school though. My schedule is going to be so hard. Im just nervous about mixing all of that with work and trying to stay healthy. Im going to be starting another new medication, hopefully next week. I dont know how im going to react to it. Im not going to have time to see the dr every week. I do have to make time to see the psych every week though. That is going well though. I think we are making progress...i think those meds are helping too. I got really upset over something and stopped taking them, and things went down hill from there. Since being back on them i do feel a bit more stable.

Im thinking thats about it...

closing in

2007-12-05T17:29:00.000-05:00

I am surprised at how long its been since ive written. I used to write all the time. Now i am starting to find it hard to organize all of my thoughts long enough to write them down. Its been an eventful last couple weeks. Where to start...

Thanksgiving...i spent it at my grandparents with elissa. Good food, good wine, good sleep. Then matt was in town, and called me to come over. We had a really nice normal evening. I felt like things would be good between us. Then saturday all of the highschool friends met up at perkins and caught up. Liss and i headed over to matts (justin texted her). I thought it would be a good time. I thought hey ill get to spend the night with matt, maybe ill be drunk enough that ill let loose a little. Well he was in a weird mood. I did drink, and it was dumb because it didnt want anyone to spend the night. I am such a retard. I tried to sober up much as i could before driving home. Worst choice ive ever in my life made. So i havent spoke to matt since. He called me about a week ago but i didnt answer because i was half asleep and he hasnt called back.

Last week i ended up in the ER again, only this time it was with excruiating pains in my side and in my arm. They diagnosed me with enteritis, an infection in my colon. I spent the next week in pain, it hurt every time i would go breathe, every time i ate, even when i slept. So i didnt do much of anything. Then it started to get a little bit better over the weekend..only to get worse this week. Apparently it isnt normal not to move your bowels in 11 days. So i was at the dr mon and they put me back in ER, who did nothing. Ive been on so many meds lately. Its frustrating. Anyway, i finally moved my bowels today and im feeling better. I dont have as much pain in my abdomen and i have an appetite.

I went to the psych yesterday. It was rough. He hit on some sensitive spots..yesterday was just an all around emotional day, it may be because i missed a few days of certain meds. But im making an effort to try to fix my life. I go back there in a couple weeks.

Mom..a whole nother subject. One that frankly i dont care to talk about. Im so frustrated and confused about it. I am not looking forward to the holidays in any way shape or form. Plus i have to leave my dorm for a month. I have jury duty as soon as i get out of school. Next week is finals..im not too worried about those...they arent anything big for me. But i do have my clarinet jury. I havent been able to pay my clarinet for the last week because it hurt to breathe, so i didnt get to play in the solo recital. I havent got to practice my solo and im supposed to practice with the accompanist tomorrow...ugh.

There is something else i want to talk about...but there isnt much i can say or do. I treated him like shit to push him away, and in some senses i did. And hes moved on, and it hurts alot. Hes one of my best friends, but i realize now how much im losing...and as always, im too late.

Well daddys picking me up for dinner..i barely see him anymore. Im excited. Its daddy/daughter wed. We dont have very many any more. So off i go..i probably wont write untl after finals.

boys, boxes, and band

2007-11-19T23:20:00.000-05:00

How ironic...i wrote my last post thursday morning, in which i mentioned matt. He called me thursday night, granted he was drunk...but we had a good conversation and i understand more where hes coming from. He is the easiest person to talk to when drunk. Hes always honest, but hes much more open. The one thing im not sure of is whats going on now. Hes torn between me and another girl from his past. He hasnt really seen or talked to her in awhile. But hes refusing to make a decision, hence why he abruptly ended things. He wants to just avoid things altogether. Although, he did say he wants to get together thanksgiving night. So im supposing thats a good thing?

School...nothing really new there. Music is going slightly better i think. I had my lesson yesterday, granted i had a hangover (it made shantytown tolerable), but i think it went well. She asked me to play my solo for the clarinet recital. so far i think im the only freshman to be playing, which im a bit uneasy about. Shes making me go to lessons two times a week. I dont know if all of this is bad or good. Someone said they think shes sees alot of potential in me and is just trying to find a way to force me to use it. I have auditions tomorrow...must practice..eventually.

Health-i got to skip a week in akron!! I didnt have to go there today, they are letting me try every other week, which is somewhat sad, i dont get to talk to tracy. But im doing better. I only missed three doses last week. Today i did have to go back to cleveland to see my psychiatrist. We started therapy today. This will be interesting..i have no idea what to expect, but from what i understand the first two weeks are the easy part. It seem like its going to get uncomfortable...but i guess whatever it takes.

Shantytown-i volunteered at the second harvest food bank packing food in the morning. Then in the afternoon sara and i built our cardboard home with duck tape..in the rain. Talk about hard. So basically me and my roommate ran around youngstown searching for alcohol to make the boring night fun. You would be surprised how many people were drunk. but hey, i had no problem sleeping in a box in the rain-i can def identify more with a homeless person. I do believe that i wont be drinking again for awhile-on the plus i do it sparingly now...it seems to only be every 3 or 4 weeks now.

Um, yea...i do believe that is it for now.Thanksgiving break in a few days!!! No class!! I get to see all my old highschool friends!!

no i didnt fall of the face of the earth

2007-11-15T09:48:00.000-05:00

Wow i cant believe i havent posted anything in two weeks!! Its been crazy, good things, bad things...lots of things.

School is going alright. I got my schedule made for next semester. Only taking 19 hours. Im preparing for volunteer stuff..today im volunteering for Math Fest..then our Shantytown is this weekend where we live outside in boxes like homeless people. I got an A on another psych test, still waiting for my bio test. I do feel acomplished though, i wrote a 6 page bio lab report the other day. Ill probably get points docked because i went too in depth. It sucks that i have to hold myself back in college.

Music...is music. Im supposed to be preparing for auditions again next week, plus i have jury coming up so i have to work on my solo alot, not to mention i have lessons tomorrow. thursday just sneaks up on me and then i realize that i havent practiced. I also should be practing concert music, we have sectionals and i suck on the fast parts. My clarient got fixed though..and i may be getting an oboe!!!

health wise...um yea. 2 weeks ago was a bad week. I missed the majority of my doses and almost had to stay and get an IV during my appointment. Last week i saw my psychiatrist...i guess im going to be seeing him now every other week for therapy. he wants to do it rather than trying to keep sending me somewhere to do it. He also started me on medication...not too thrilled about that. He said he just wants to give me some pep and energy so i dont sleep as much and can go out and do things with people. Well its been a week..and i cant sleep. i went from sleeping alot to barely sleeping. It sucks. Im exhausted but i toss and turn all night and barely get out of the lucid dreaming stage. Excedrin Pm is the only thing that can help me fall asleep at night.

I think thats about it...matt hasnt talked to me. i have an army boy stalking me. i miss matt. i try to block him from my mind alot..but i really allowed myself to become vulnerable with him...i realize im better off not in a relationship. but it still hurts at times.

who knows..maybe it will be another 2 weeks.

Good-Bad-Worse

2007-11-01T00:41:00.000-04:00

Its amazing how things can go from good to bad to worse in a matter of a day.

Good:overall my classes went pretty smoothly. Dictation in theory wasnt horrible, lab was easy, and i even went to bio lecture today. I came back after 3 and took a 3 hour nap. My dad picked me up we went out to dinner to catch up, had some heart to heart talks and some laughs and i returned to my dorm.

Bad: So i was sitting in bed while the majority of my suite got dressed for a halloween party at the frat house. I didnt want to go. So i got this weird gnawing at my stomach telling me that i should go listen to those online sermons. I used to listen to them while i did hw last year. But ive made it a pretty big point to separate myself from "church" in its entirety. How i hate those times when you just getting the tugging thats telling you that what your doing isnt right, that theres a better way. Ive been ignoring that for a reason. So i went and listened to the latest podcast, which was the one ben said he got to do. How often are we like the Samaritan woman? Shameful, guilt ridden, embarrassed? We avoid situations (such as going to church) to avoid judgement and assumptions. Heck, we just dont want to face our own errors. I find that to be so true.

Ive avoided church, ignored God, all for the sake of who knows what. Believing in God is one thing-sure i believe. But being an active and devot Christian is another. Its alot of work. Going to church is another time commitment. Living the "right" way ostracizes me from the rest of my college girls-as if sleeping away my time doesnt already. But more importantly relying on God takes me out of my comfort zone..ive tried time and time again only to fail. I cant give up the comforts that make me of this world. Granted im not getting drunk anymore, but drinking in general, swearing, smoking, sexual things and other reckless activities, these arent things that are looked upon very highly.

Id like to believe that things are less hectic without church, without God, but that seems stupid just in saying it. Maybe its because during this time of separation i dont really care. It just seems like i put so much energy into church and being right with God in the past that in the end it still left me empty. I know Gods still there for me, and no matter what "im loved" yet, its so hard to believe it. I feel so alone...my highschool friends are gone, my college friends-well their in a league of their own, my family-ha. I know i can be successful...but what is success anymore. I know that im going to have to go back to God...ive just been putting it off..but when is enough, enough? How do i go back to church...how do i go back to God...again? Do i really want to? I dont have people to help me along that narrow path anymore...i really just dont know.

Worse: The highlight of my night. So obviously my weekend wasnt what i thought itd be. Things with matt were sketchy..and i hadnt heard from him since i left columbus sunday. So i called him tonight...he didnt answer. He IMd me and we started talking. Of course i started asking questions, something he hates. But basically he told me i knew he didnt want a relationship and that in his eyes we were simply friends. I let myself really fall for him, to the point where i thought i could trust him enough to sleep with him...and then this happens. If he didnt want a relationship he shouldnt have pursued me these last two months. He just have just let us be a fling at a party...but nooo. Now im devestated..pathetic i know. Im done. I cant do these relationship things anymore. I havent had good experience with relationships period-familial, emotional, sexual, you name it...ive had bad ones. So yea..ive spent the last couple hours crying my eyes out...why..once again because im pathetic and stupid, and immature.

What am i doing anymore?

Educational Suicide

2007-10-30T15:06:00.000-04:00

Apparently, i still must be suicidal. I missed my morning nap this morning because i was working on my schedule for next semester. So far heres what i have:

Music Theory 2 M-F (3 hrs)
Bio 2 MWF +Lab Tues (4 hrs)
Chem 1 T, Th + Lab Thur + recictation (5 hrs?)
Genetics (YAY!!) MWF (3 hrs)
Honors Writing 2 MWF (3 hrs)
Concert band M-Th (1 hr)
Clarinet (2 hrs)
Honors Seminar W (2 hrs)

Total semester hours= *drumroll please* 24 hours!!!

Yes i am committing suicide already. I was going to take 2 of those classes over the summer, but if i get to do research with Dr. Chand thats a full time job and it would be good to get some more basic classes out of the way. I still might take 1 or 2 classes in the summer if time allows..if everything goes as planned i shall be a junior by next fall. Oh yea..so as of now i am an Applied music major, a biology pre med major, and a chem minor!

I am crazy. But who didnt know that?

lazy monday

2007-10-29T18:50:00.000-04:00

Its monday and ive been home from Columbus since last night. It was a difficult weekend. I dont know whats wrong with matt...he was overall unaffectionate. It was a pretty uneventful weekend. Watched football and races. I did get to go to my brothers bar. It was nice to see him and my sister in law. I went to see Saw IV also..freaking awesome. I love halloween because all of the good movies come out. That movie has such a twist in it..its way better than the other ones.

Today i went back to the doctors..that went well. They said i looked cheerful..well duh. i didnt go to classes today and i gave my work shift away, of course im cheerful. i got to lay in bed all day. But in reality i did better this past week. I only missed 1 dose! and that was yesterday. Ah crap i need to take them again now or that will be another one. I still have to go back next week though. I dont mind..my nurse Tracy and my doctor are a huge source of support for me. I was able to call tracy before i left friday fo advice. Shes the only adult i really really confide in and shes not like other adults who tell you what to do. She really listens and helps me guide my choices.

Anyway..tomorrow-class and work..yuck. work is so depressing these days..but i need the money. School sucks too..i need to make my schedule for next semester too. Theres something else im putting off too. who knows.

yup back to importing music.

Lost in Columbus...

2007-10-27T01:30:00.000-04:00

So yea, im in columbus. Its going well i guess. Its me, holly, matt, and jeremy. We are at the apartment now..we havent really done anything tonight except chill. I guess tomorrow we are going to the movies and lunch and possibly party hopping.

I cant help but feel like shit right now. Matts been drinking alot of jack so hes in a really good mood where he wants to be all cuddlely and what not. Its so frustrating because i want to become closer to him. I really have contemplated letting go of what ive always held onto so tight. I really thought about sleeping with him. Ive been so back and forth on it, which is why ive still be holding out. I know that being not 100% sure meant that i wasnt ready. Yet, i dont know why but i still thought about it, gave him the benefit of that doubt for not wanting to committ. Yet tonight, him and jeremy keep talking about exes...i can tell hes not over his ex..especially because hes truthful when hes drunk. I dont know how that makes me feel. Yea i do..it makes me feel pretty shitty. I do care about him..but he never wants to meet me half way...its his way or the high way..simply because he was hurt once. I was hurt too. Ive been hurt by so many people yet i can still open up and trust people.

I just want to say screw this...i want to go home. I cant deal with this. I cant be expected to let everything go and him not. I cant..i wont. Ugh...maybe this is my sign that this isnt right...the question now is..what do i do?

Monday night freedom

2007-10-22T18:19:00.000-04:00

Monday night-a night off work ( i gave away my shift). Man i take off a night cuz i think im so busy, then i sit here and do nothing..although that is nice too.

Today i had yet another doctors appointment. Things are going a bit better i suppose. I only missed 5 doses this week. I still have to go back next week but i guess i dont mind. Talking to Dr. Chand and Tracy really help me. I really look up to them...which is a first for me...to look up to females. I think its because of my good experience with them that i have decided on my career.

Hmm what else. I finally went out this weekend after the game. The colorguard stands next to the ROTC at the football games. One of the army boys invited me to their party so holly, alexis and i went to their party. It was sorta nice to get out.

Speaking of getting out...i get to go spend the entire weekend with matt this weekend. im pretty excited...a bit scared. But i know he wont force me into something im not ready for. Although, maybe i will be ready...but as of now im not.

Oh well, maybe ill go grab dinner.

Another day-same feelings

2007-10-19T16:17:00.000-04:00

Its been a few days since my last ranting...i cant say i feel much better. Im still spending way to much time in bed away from people...my new name around the suite is the hermit. But yet, i dont feel like making the effort to change. My doctors are becoming concerned and are insistent that i meet with my psychiatrist..which i was supposed to next week, but he just called me and said hes going to be out of town so we have to reschedule. Is it bad to feel rejected by my psychiatrist..lol.

I dont really know whats going on...im just not motivated to do anything besides nothing. I had a bio test today..sorta regret not going to the last 2 weeks of class. I dont think i did horrible..despite my unwillingness i crammed like crazy last night..i should pull off a C. Sucky part was i didnt get to practice my clarinet..or rather i chose not to. had my lesson today, i can pull off alot of things for not practicing...but she could tell that my solo hadnt been worked on alot..oh well.

Now i have to leave the comfort of my bed and room to go to work. Usually im in togos..but some idiot scheduled me as a closing host! Im the host with the most seniority and the only one besides Devon who can even handle a wait..yet im closing? I swear..they said give them two weeks and i would train people and then transfer...its been almost 3..and im being given the crappiest shifts by the lady who is making the schedule while the managers gone. So now i have to be a hostess and smile and be friendly to people. Hopefully it wont bring me to tears again.

Tomorrows a football game. oh joy. then to akron for elissa's bday...i hope i can enjoy it. Well i should try to eat something before i go..but i dont feel like doing that either.

not enough energy for a creative title

2007-10-16T23:33:00.000-04:00

Wow 2 posts in one day...i havent even had 2 posts in a week lately. I dont know why im posting again...its late but i have alot on my mind thats bothering me.

I sit here at my desk (i cant believe im actually out of my bed) but i just have so many wandering thoughts running through my head. They range from family to health to the future. I guess the main thing is health. Ive been reading this self help book i was recommended about living successfully with chronic illness. It seems like Gitelman's controls my life...and honestly thats a good and bad thing. If it wasnt for my diagnosis with this disorder i dont know where id be. Its the reason for my fascination with genetics and kidneys. I dont know if i have this false hope of finding cures or what...maybe its just to help ease the feelings of uselessness due to my syndrome.

The real kicker is that my disease is no where near as bad as so many others with the same disease or even other diseases. Yet, it affects my life so profoundly. I know people here think im lazy because i spend so much time in bed...more now that ever before. More and more people are realizing that i cant help but feel exhausted. They feel energized after excercise...i on the other hand am absolutely useless. I cant even party like a normal college student (not that i really want to). My nurse likes to remind me that although i may be a college student...im a college student with Gitelman's. I know that there is a long road to acceptance and even when reaching it, the cycle of denial and anger come back. I should be used to this by now...i just get so mad at myself because i think for the most part its managble. Why i still cant manage to take my freaking pills like im supposed to..i dont know. I still try to generalize my problems...sometimes i forget that symptoms are symptoms because they just become such everyday things...then i go back to the point where i shouldnt feel so bad because there are so many people that are worse off.

I can function just about normally. Im not restricted from sports or activities..i just have to make sure not to do it. My doctors are even letting me drink and what not. Maybe thats the reason im pushing myself to do so many things....double major...30 hours of work a week...marching band...deep down i dont want to do. But, i need to. I think its that and alot of it stemming from my ever present need to be the perfect child that ill never be.

Just as i go through the cycle of somewhat acceptance and denial of my disease...i go through cycles of emotions towards my mother. I want to hate her..sometimes i do. Other times i just want her to love me...something i know i will never get in the way that i want. Im not jealous of my brother...i miss him....but i resent the fact that she treats him so differently. For the longest time i didnt realize her actions towards me were abusive...i didnt want to leave...i didnt want her to turn her anger to my brother. But the more i think about it the more i realize that her anger was displaced from my father onto me. My brother didnt ruin my mothers life...i did. I was the one to first alter her life. I wasnt planned...i was a mistake...a child out of wedlock that forced her to get married. I forced her to become a mother and give up any or all of what she may have had planned.

She isnt happy. In fact shes miserable. I know nothing about what her dreams were or what she was like growing up. She would never talk to me about anything..hell she was never affectionate or even touchy. I could probably count the times ive heard 'i love you' on one hand. Id say right now im in the part of the cycle where i just hurt..i long for the mother i never had, nor will i ever. I wish i could take it all back...i wish she could be happy....even if that means without me. Right now part of me wants to return her calls and what not...but shes better off without me...and i have to say...i will be better off one day too.

I dont know why im having trouble tonight...al i can do is cry. I just wonder where im gonna be, what im going to be...if anyone. I have so many dreams...but why. I wouldnt have them if it wasnt for gitelmans...thats not to say its a blessing exactly. Am i doing the right thing with my life...sometimes i dont want to live...oh how easy it would be to die. But since when do i take the easy way out...instead i find the need to punish myself continuously. I know things would probably get a bit better if i agreed to take medication for depression...but thats the last thing i need is more meds. I cant even admit to the fact that im depressed...its so...overexagerated these days...im not a yuppie..and im fine. Plus, i wouldnt know how to function without chaos...which is honestly why im afraid to take medication. Granted i dont know what its like to be happy for long...to not cry all the time....or at least i dont remember. But i am the person i am because of what ive been through...this is all i know...its my drive...to prove everyone who ever stood in my way. To say look mom..despite your criticism, your negativity, your hatred, i made it..i didnt need you. I dont need you.

I hate when people say im my mothers daughter...IM NOT. yet...sadly, i see my mother in me every day. I fear my future will be as lonely as hers...i dont let myself become to close to people anymore...i dont want to hurt them like she has me. As much as the woman in me wants a baby when i see one...i get the rushing fear of what i would be like as a mother. I have bad genes. If only i could genetically engineer myself to be what i want.

What is the point of life anyway...without religion i guess there isnt one. But i dont even have the energy to focus into religion. Im a sinner to say the least. And of course it always has a way of finding you out. But im tired. Honestly..i know im too young...but im tired of trying..more tired of failing. The only aspect of my life (besides my mother) that ive failed. Yea...God... what else is there to say. The hand we are dealt is supposed to make us stronger right? I cant be that strong.

I dont know where this is all coming from..its just one of those nights where i know i cant sleep but dont know why until i start writing my feelings down. I guess these feelings have been building...but im even too mentally exhausted to cope with them. Maybe thats a good thing..i did a number on myself the last few times im tried to cope in my oh so lovely ways. I can only cry so long and even then ill break.

What i hate the most is the fact that its an emotional rollercoaster. Why cant i have a happy medium. No..of course not tha would be too easy. I had an enjoyable evening with elissa. We got our hair done and ate dinner...so why am i like this now?

Ugh this has gone on long enough..i have a lovely full day of classes tomorrow. I just want to sleep...sleep brings peace in more than one way.

Blah

2007-10-16T09:10:00.000-04:00

Ugh i feel like crap today. Of course the day of my music theory midterm i had to wake up at 4:30 doubling over in pain from cramps. Right now...yes i hate men. Its so not fair. They dont go through this once a month nor do they get to experience childbirth. And they say its not a sexist society..bullshit. BTW did you know that men created the maxi pad..what the heck do they know about periods. And they expect us to be cheerful?!

Thank goodness i dont have many classes today. We had our band concert last night so we dont have concert band today or tomorrow. And my lesson was cancelled...so all i have is my theory class (which i already suffered through) and then marching band in like 4 hours. No work today...just sleep.

Yesterday i also went to the doctors. Things are getting better. Although,last week wasnt a great week for my meds. I missed 1/3 of my doses...so thats about 7 or 8. I missed the first few by mistake and then i just stopped caring. I like that my dr is in akron now...she has much more time which translates to alot more patient time. In cleveland i would wait and wait and then see them for like 15 mins. Now i barely wait and i talk with them for at least half an hour.

Oh yea..ive been sober for 3 weeks. The thought of drinking upsets my stomach still. I dont know if it was the puking or the fact that i ended up in the hospital that affected me most. My dr is glad about that but not thefact that i spend so much time sleeping. I just dont feel like going out now. She insists i need to find a happy medium..that i should go out with the girls..but just not drink. Honestly, id just rather sleep.

In fact....thats what im going to do now.

Lazy Post

2007-10-07T10:19:00.000-04:00

I guess there isnt a better time than now to post. I dont know why but lately posting has been more trouble than useful. I keep putting it off to avoid confronting issues id rather not confront.
I did write a post last week, but i lost connection so i must add some of that into my post.

Well monday i went to see my doctor in akron. I was really nervous and anxious because her first clinic wasnt supposed to be until tomorrow and my nurse called me and was like Dr. Chand will be there to see you. Surprisngly it went well though. I sorta came in with like a puppy with my tail between my legs. She didnt yell at me, she knew i needed a hug more than a lecture. Which was pretty true. She did lecture me about alcohol, she said everyone makes mistakes and learns lessons from them. She also said that although i did learn a lesson, ill still make the mistake again-that we all do. So we talked about alot of the things going on right now, and honestly i dont know what id do without my doctors anymore. They are the only adults i really confide in anymore...i lost the rest of them.

On the bright side-my doctor knows that i want to go into genetics/kidney research. well now that she is in akron (instead of cleveland) she has a new partner and will have a lot more time. In the summer they plan on doing research-and she said i could work with them!!! Now-she focuses on dialysis and her partner on transplants...ill see if either of those are in my interest. But-she also said if id like to focus more on genetics, that she has a dr. friend who researches genetics of the kidney and i could go work with him for three months in the summer!!! I am estatic. This is exactly what i want to do with my life...or what i think i do.

I was talking to my TA in bio lab and he said that this opportunity was a chance of a lifetime. That if i could get published as an undergrad-that i could easily get into med school. Plus my music major gives me a boost too. I guess med schools except music majors more is because they can multitask well.

Anyway-things have been better this week.
Tuesday-my lesson went better. Had the day off work. Went shopping (dropped too much money). Went to the outback in boardman (i get to transfer there in a few weeks !!!!!). Even went up to tipsy tuesday again...and i didnt drink. They offered me a beer and other things..i didnt even want them to begin with. I did take a sip though, but i wasnt feeling it so i came back down to bed.

Wed-great day of classes. participated in scholar wars-we won trival pursuit for the freshman. Played a soccer game at 10...tied 3-3, lost in the shoot out.

Thur-went ok. had classes and sectionals..got to visit elissa!! had to run to my mothers to pick up my mail. I hate the phases i go through with her. She found out i was in the hospital and flipped out on me because i didnt tell her. In my eyes..im done with her. I want to be. She may be my mother in the sense that she birthed me and yes she has done things for me in the past...but where has she been the last 3 months. I dont need this. Even my pyschiatrist said to put her behind me. Its healthier for me.

Fri-had my bio test (i hadnt gone to bio classes in 2 weeks) i was up all night thursday studying. I think i did ok. i had to work..that was cool too. Then i went to bed. My roommate andher friend came in drunk at all hours of the night loud as can be.

Sat- had to be up early to be at the stadium to volunteer for Bands of America. I can not complain..i got a cake job. I was press box elevator monitor. Basically...i sat in the elevator and pushed buttons. Great. Then we had to perform around 4:30. That sucked. Then i came back to my dorm and was in bed around 8. Watched the OSU game...fell asleep.

So its been 15 hours that ive been laying in bed. Its great. I have to work at 2..but i needed this rest. I think im gonna get breakfast soon...

I cant think of much else to post...except matt...and i dont want to post anything about him or us right now. So yea....until next time.

Rock bottom?

2007-09-30T10:49:00.000-04:00

wow ive really put of posting as long as i could. I still dont know how i feel about posting, because i didnt realize that i had other eyes reading this. Anyway its been a long long and crazy week.

I ended up going to columbus last weekend after the game. I got to matts apartment and we went to see my brothers bar...who sadly wasnt there. So we hung out at his apartment the rest of the night. Id like to say that it was a nice romantic evening at home...but it wasnt. It was a night of drunken misbehaving. I dont regret what happened...i just dont know how to feel about it, especially after how confusing things got with matt this week (more to come). So we went out to lunch sunday and then i had to leave to go to work sunday afternoon...not fun.

Mon wasnt great...classes and work. Got yelled at by a doctor who isnt mine doctor...and scolded by one who is. Im in the middle of transferring from the cleveland clinic to akrons childrens hospital...so im in between doctors because my dr doesnt start in akron for another week. Anyway..simply put the week started bad. Talked to matt-he was an ass. Apparently i ask too many serious questions and he doesnt like them, nor does he like committment or anything of that sort when it comes to relationships.

tues-even more stress. I finally told my clarinet prof that i wanted to drop my music major because i cant handle it. Between my other classes and working 30 hours a week, i just dont have enough time to put in the hours i need to to practice and its not fair to everyone else who is. So she gave me a break and let me out of clarinet ensemble. So then i went to work...real bad night. But i came back to the dorm...had to work on my lab and other worksheets. But upstairs they were celebratign tipsy tuesday..i thought why not have a few drinks. It would wind me down and i could focus. My roommates and i decided to go up. I can look back now and say its very very bad to drink when im upset/mad/sad/pissed..etc. I drank like 4 or 5 drinks when matt started texting me. I started puking and then things went down hill from there. I should have quit then, but i was so mad...i continued to drink. I mixed the equiv of like 15 beers that night...i was carried down to my room and my roommate had to hold me up while i threw up. Me in the meantime...spoke fluent spanish to them for about a half an hour...go figure. The worst part about this night....i had class the next morning.

So yea..wed was even worse than tues. I missed my first class and was still drunk when i woke up. Wed is my full day of classes...so yea worst hangover in my life. To make matters even worse my potassium levels were dropping (they were low mon, then puking made them worse). So trying to be responsible (after totally not being) i called my nurse and explained what happened. So yea i spent wed night in the hospital...again. I had to email my music prof explained why i might not be in class the next day. He called me and told me he didnt want to see me the rest of the week. Because ive been wearing myself down i keep ending up in the hospital..so he excused me from the rest of my music classes and the football game last night. Granted it was sorta my fault that i ended up in the ER again...it was so nice to be able to rest. Ive slept so much...i still dont feel great..but ive been taking all my meds...and avoiding alcohol consumption.

Anyway-so matt still didnt call me...until friday-when at the point i was basically done with him in my mind. I was actually watching a movie with derek in my room. So then he called...and yea..i dont know what now.

Last night i went to ians (a whole other story) because he leaves for college today. Well i told jake what had happened..hes the one guy who i usually tell everything to. Well he mentioned part of it in church...and somehow hilary knew what happened. So she basically hates me and i had a total intervention last night with her and brit about how what im doing is wrong and i know it and how i need to go back to church. They seem to think im trying to kill myself....yea ok. Granted i dont know what im doing anymore. So yea...that was fun..not.

Then matt called again last night. We talked a long time...and i feel better because i know hes still interested and were still seeing each other. Its just so complicated because he wont answer my questions..hes def in control of the relationship...and i dont like that totally. hes right though-we come from two different worlds. Im willing to compromise to some things...if he would too. I know that being involved with him isnt a good thing. He was so sweet to me one week and then a complete jerk to me the next. I think it may be a slightly destructive relationship...and the fact that hes basically an alcoholic doesnt help me either.

So yea-now i dont know what to do. Tomorrow starts back to my crazy hectic schedule...classes, work, sports, band, doctors appts. Yea...i cant deal with it. I just hope the thought of alcohol makng me sick last for awhile. Things are screwed up...i can admit it. But i dont this is rock bottom.

tgif

2007-09-21T14:07:00.000-04:00

Yay its friday again!! The last couples days have sucked major ass. I stayed up all night studying for bio-it went alright, i think i at least got a B. I went to church wed night. Talk about convicting. I hate whenever i go some how some way the conversation always turns to alcohol. Ironically they main focus was being unequally yoked. Granted matt may not be the best choice for me-hes treated me better than any other guy ever has. He believes in God, he just doesnt believe in the church anymore and honestly i feel thats where ive been lately. I just know that my actions arent very christianly...especially the alcohol part. Ive been drinking every night. Not even like drunk drinking...just taking a break from studying going up to the third floor having a few shots or drinks and then i return much calmer to studying. UGH!! I dont know anymore...

Yesterday was my first therapy session with a psychologist...i hated it. Im not the type of person thats just gonna open up to you immediately and spill my guts to you. I dont like talking to females either. She basically just looked at me for an hour because i wasnt going to talk. She said she wasnt going to prompt me and ask questions...that it was my time to talk about whatever came into my mind. If i went there for that reason i wouldve just stayed home and talked to my roommate. I like my psychiatrist alot better. He gets me finally. So im not sure if im giving up on counciling already or if im gonna look for someone different...

Music...still crappy. Seminar today-thank god i didnt get picked on to play. I skipped bio-i should be there now..but i didnt feel like going. I have to work at 3 and i just wanted to rest and wind down.

Nothing else going on for the most part. i still want to go see matt saturday night/ sunday but thats gonna depend on whether or not sarah will take my shift. Oh well i think its nap time.

First Late Night

2007-09-19T02:11:00.000-04:00

Tonight is my first possible all nighter. Im trying to cram for my bio test and figure out a bio lab in which i wasnt there. I need to print an article out but my printer isnt hooked up and i dont have any paper to load into the one in the computer lab.

I didnt mean to put everything off. Ive been busy. All yesterday and today i worked after classes. I was actually late to work today because of my lesson. I swear my prof makes me feel like im a 5th grader again. Learning embouchure and toungue position for clarinet...granted i never learned these things correctly and they are vital to play well. I just find it humorous that a college student is learning basics.

Speaking of music...i freaking hate it. Being a music major has caused me despise music. For the most part i still enjoy playing in concert band-but even then i really need to sit down and practice that music too. I did the math. Orignally i signed up for three music courses..music theory, marching band, and concert band. Not sure how many credit hours those are, but they take up 15 hours of my time a week. Add to this 1 hour for lessons, 1 for seminar, 1 for sectionals, and 2 for ensemble and that equals 20. Then add to that the 4 hours a day they want you to practice (7x4=28), 28+20=48 hours. Now from those 48 hours subtract 5 for theory..and thats 43 hours approximately that they want my clarinet to be in my mouth. That is 2 days. I might as well not sleep for a day. Oh yea and add in a whole saturday spent devoted to marching band. Its a waste of my time. I didnt want to do all of these freaking extra things that they are making me do. And my clarinet prof had the nerve to tell me to quit my job.

I want to drop my music major so bad. Its going to be a constant battle for me all semester. I cant quit...but i want to. I feel like its IB all over again, only different.

Anyway, matt moved back to Columbus. Maybe i shouldnt have spent so much time with im the past week, but i feel that it was worth it. I was able to spend the night with him friday night and saturday night. I feel so comfortable with him. Unfortunately, he left a nice piece of art work on my neck..that i still have 4 days later. the comments i hear are priceless. Im going to Columbus this weekend to spend the night with him again. Maybe this time i wont black out. I didnt realize that smirnoff had much more alcohol content than beer.

I know that i shouldnt drink, nor should i be contemplating sex for that matter. I know that my relationship with God isnt intact because of my decisions. Im not proud of this, yet at the same time i can accept it. I feel bad, heck i feel guilty, but im at the point in my life where i want to experience college. As cliche as it may sound..oh well. Im stressed and if it helps...then it helps. When im ready, ill go back to church. As of now, lets just say drunken saturday nights do not make for church sundays. Ive went to church hung over enough before to learn my lesson with that.

Ugh...i know im just putting of studying...but at the same time im getting things off my chest. Family issues still suck, my mom only calls t harass me about money i owe her or something stupid. My dad and grandparents seem to be going through separationg anxiety. I dont want to go home. This is my home now. I am on my own. If i cant be a 100 miles away like id like to be, then im at least going to pretend that i am.

what else....im tired. its 2:30...i still have 2 1/2 more bio chapters to cover. I did take a shower though and i feel a bit better. update maybe tomorrow

sex and college

2007-09-12T11:11:00.000-04:00

Today is hump day. Halfway through another week of college. Its still not hard..its just different. I need to really apply myself. Buckle down and force myself to practice and study.

On a lighter note...ive been out with matt every night. Monday we went to the hooka bar with Holly (colorguard) and Matts friend jeremey (whom she met at the party). Then last night matt took me to dinner and a movie and then back to his house. I have never been out this much. I havent been getting home until between 1 and 2 in the morning. I havent been getting my naps either. Surprisingly though im doing ok without them.

Tonight is champions band night. Im going to change hilary. Id like to see matt again (since he leaves sunday or mon) but hilary comes first. I think im going out with matt again thursday or friday depending on when i work. He wants to take me to eat at this fancy restuarant in Austintown. Im soo excited. He treats me wonderfully, better than anyone ever has.

So how about ironically its safer sex week at YSU. My roommates like to harass me by throwing free condoms and hiv packets at me. They say i need to read up. I know they are kidding, but at the same time, in talking to matt...sex is so common among college kids. Its scare sme and i know that im not ready. I really want to wait. Matt knew when he met me that i was a virgin and no intention of changing, yet i still feel slightly uncomfortable because i know hes not used to a girl like me. Most guys around here arent. It just makes me sad to think that i could end up compromising omething thats important to me, in the future that is. I have no intention on having sex right now..its just something that ive thought about and essentially have become upset about.

Oh well, i should go. Got out of lab early and its brass sectional in band so i have a bit of time off...id like to eat.

good luck or what

2007-09-10T11:11:00.000-04:00

Alot has happened since my last post. First and most importantly, i got out of the hospital. The rest of my hospital stay was pretty eventful. I was typing up a paper and i hear "hello". Low and behold it was my psychiatrist. Apparently Tracy called him and told him about my placement in the hospital. so we talked...it was actually a good talk i was able to open up to this time. i feel like he gets me now. I only know of one other person who was able to hear not only what i say, but what i dont say. He reads my my expressions and behind what i say. So i feel alot more comfortable now. Then tracy walked in, and i had a nice heart to heart with her too. So i left the hospital with uplifted spirits.

I spent a couple days still sick but it was ok. I misses some stuff in my classes that they wont let me make up but oh well, its ok.

Football game saturday we won. It was better than the OSU game. It rained though. Went to the party after the game...even better than the last one. I met this guy matt. Never have i ever talked to a guy at a party in such a way. Maybe the alcohol gave me courage...but it was great. I talked to him all evening (mind you he was basically sober). We became cozy *cough*. enough said. But he called me yesterday and we hung out again. I know i just met him but we have a lot in common and hit it off. Sadly he goes to OSU and leaves sunday. The only awkward thing is that hes 21 and alot more experienced than i am. But im excited. I havent been this happy for awhile.

Band is calling. If i odnt leave now im gonna be late. I really hate this music major thing. I dont feel good and i dont feel like practicing. Simply put. Plus tonighti have to work. Gotta run...

Not again...

2007-09-05T09:41:00.000-04:00

Its my second week of college and things are a bit smoother. I made it into concert band and im playing 2nd and 3rd part. I went to the OSU vs YSU football game. Parts of it were exciting and other parts were just tiring and bothersome.

Dorm life is great. I love being on my own and i love the girls that im with.

Classes are stilla bit rough only because im not settled into a routine yet.

And the highlight (sarcastically of course) of my week thus far is that i am once again sitting in a hospital bed. I got labs done yesterday and i got a phone call during marching band to come up to the Cleveland ER and i spent over 8 hours sitting in a chair in the advanced triage. Finally around 1 am i was admitted and put into a room. Im going crazy because im missing classes and today was my first day of bio lab. The new dr. wants to keep me over night again, but it cant happen. I have too much i am already behind in to miss yet another day of class during my 2ND WEEK!!! So now i am just trying to catch up on sleep and study.

Other than that not too much is going on.

First day of classes

2007-08-27T15:37:00.000-04:00

So yea-today was my first day of offical college. I had 3 classes. Music Theory, Psych, and Bio.

Music theory-made me cry. I cant sing, and thats what most of the class is...sight singing. I was totally embarresses today. He went around the room and made us sing the scale...i did horrible. I am not looking forward to that class at all..ill have to get vocal lessons or something. Just the thought of singing in front of people, and for a grade, makes me sick.

Psych and bio are all right. Im taking bio for an honors course. I thought about it for psych but oh well. I didnt have concert band today because we have to audition first...and at this point i dont think im going to audition. I audition tomorrow...and i just played the music for the first time today. Not good at all.

hmm what else...ive made new friends, i feel at peace. I am tired though-but im going to get a head start on my studying. Im sunburned badly.

OH YEA...IM SINGLE!!! Talk about weight off my shoulders. It was a mutual break up, but ive only been hinting at it for months! At least im not the bad guy. I still have to live with the guy for the next 4 years. But overall, things are well. I just wish some others were as well.

On break and breaking inside

2007-08-21T17:32:00.000-04:00

Finally-im on break. I have a three hour break for dinner before a night practice until 11. Talk about crazy. I moved into my dorm a couple days ago-its in the process of being decorated and it feels more like what home should feel like. I just feel a bit bored...theres no one around.

Practice has been crazy. This afternoon i just got pissed and got sick of it. Then i come back to my room to take a shower and wind down, only to get a call from my best friend say she is leaving in 2 weeks to move ot flordia. Now i just feel lost. Its bad enough i feel lost enough on my own. I dont feel like i have anyone i can really be close to. I dont know how i feel. So im just trying to calm down and write a bit.

I dont know how things could get much worse. Well actually-band auditions are in a week and i havent even looked at the crazy hard music...so yea it could get worse. if i dont make it-im going straight to drop my major. Clinc again thursday-i dont know why but im missing the majority of my doses again...

i should go get dinner-but luckly i havent had an appetite lately. Maybe ill finally lose weight and then maybe i can make the majorette line...

College Life

2007-08-17T21:32:00.001-04:00

I am now a college student for real! I moved into Lyden yesterday for flag camp (my temp housing). Weve been having practice since last night and all day today. Things are pretty smooth. I have to say that i am kicking butt at spinning a flag. For never having spun a flag in my life i must say that i learn quickly. They make fun of me because i have a memory like no ones ever seen. ahaha!! (my evil laugh). But i moved my belongings into Cafaro (my honors dorm) today. Im in a suite. Im not crazy about my room but it will be ok. I get to arrange it how i please. Its going to be weird living in this small cold place. But i guess its better than living in the hell whole called 'home'.

Um..my moods improved a bit. Not as down but you cant be when you have a bunch of crazy girls with you all day that bring out the best...or rather worst in you. My roommate julie is crazyyy but i love her.

Not too much else going on. I forsee a crazy next two weeks. Band camp all next week then school starts and then off to the OSU game. Mix in with that work, and psych appts and it gets a bit worse. So yea. things are alright though.

bored and updating

2007-08-10T09:27:00.000-04:00

Today is the last day of school for the summer semester. I finished my first class around 8:30 after my test on Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. It went well. So i rushed to the library to write my selfcritique for communications. Surprisingly, i enjoyed both of my classes. I liked being able to have an overview of the history of the major religions. What is weird is that i liked my communication class. I love giving my speeches. Maybe because im good at it, maybe because i enjoyed the topic. I love genetics. More and more time i spend researching it for fun the more i know its what i want to do. Oh-and i want to drop my music major-more on that later.

Anyway, im in the library writing-or typing-and i still have another hour but i only have another paragraph to write so i decided to let myself become sidetracked.

Things have been interesting...colorguards been ok. ive been working alot. Trained girls on the floor 2 weeks ago. My boss just put me in charge of 4 new girls.I gave them classrooms this week ($7.50 an hour baby!!). Oh and i got a job teaching music (clarinet)at Hubbard Music Store and in warren city schools!!

Today-well today i am actually going to cleveland after i leave YSU. Its my first psychiarist appt. and i am more than nervous. Im scared out of my mind. I have no idea what to expect and no idea what hes going to pry about. Just thinking about it makes my stomach queezy. I would rather go give another 10 min speech!!!

Oh well-work tonight. My parents (meaning my dad and judie-since my mom kicked me out) are going to columbus this weekend. Im staying with my friends. Party tonight is going to be off the hook! Who knew we could unite college kids, work kids, band kids, and church kids. Talk about crazy. Most likely ill update about it after i become 'hydrated'. Im horrible i know.

Swallowed in Sin

2007-07-31T22:12:00.000-04:00

Alright, i admit it-i was drunk when i wrote the last entry. I do have to say though my writing made sense. Usually i look back and cant understand what i wrote. Anyway....

So yea, i swear i let myself down time and time again. Drinking was nice...it was nice to feel good and numb to what was going on around me. I couldnt exactly cut with all my friends around so i got drunk instead. I was well behaved though. so yea-i was homeless all weekend. My mom kicked me out.

I finally told my dad what happened and now im living with him. Im in the process of moving out. I think i need to make some big life changes though. I still cant say that i am happy. I know the one big thing that has to be done. I need to be single. Things are always ten times worse between me and God when im dating derek. Then i need to go to the counselor. How can i know that these simple things would make my life so much better-yet not do them.

One day.....things will be better. Heres a new song i think fits me.

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning,
in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me,
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind Keeps me awake tonight
I know you’ve cast my sin as far as
the East is from the West
And I stand beforeYou now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Chorus: Jesus can you show me
just how far the east is from the west
‘Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way

Chorus

I know You’ve washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I’m not holding on to You
But You’re holding on to me
You’re holding on to me

Chorus
-Casting Crowns 'East to West'

who cares anymore

2007-07-27T22:55:00.000-04:00

So yea- that decision went out the window. I wasnt going to drink i really wasnt. Then i come home after the memorial and find half of my belongings in garbage bags outside. Yup that was my mothers way of kicking me out. So im drinking to say the least.

Im not exactly the life og the party right now-im still in a bad mood. But-if justin comes back im sure that bad mood might dissapear. Once again-im a dissapointment. But hey-i should be used to it now right?

I might update through the night if i get bored or if they cut me off. So yea...ha.

Decisions

2007-07-27T00:23:00.000-04:00

I feel like i have a lot of decisions ahead of me that i have to make. Some are small while i feel like others are pretty big.

VBS is going well-im not sure if my kids like or not. I love song time though-i make a fool out of myself. Its going better-the kids still dont listen to well, but im learning to accept that.

Tomorrow is the last day. I only get to be there part of it. I have to go to a professors memorial service. He was the clarinet professor at YSU with whom i studied. He died this spring from cancer-we knew it was going to happen. He took a turn for the worse. So i get to go to a concert in his memory.

Then-heres the big decision. My best friend is hosting a party at her house while the family is gone. I seem to be a vital part in this working out. I want it to work out. It could be fun. But there are sooo many things that could go wrong. Plus-after my last adventure part of me doesnt want to drink.

It seems like im back to this struggle again. Part of me wants to drink just to have fun, but the other part of me doesnt feel like i need to. I mean theres some crap going on-but its not to the point where i need to drink to deal with it. I suppose i could just drink a little bit so i can socialize with the people that will be there. I dont know what to expect. I just hope it doesnt get out of hand. Over 20 people with over $200 of alcohol-might not be a good thing. Cross your fingers...i know i am. If this works out-it will be a miracle.

Ugh-i have school in the morning. Its too soon to be tired of going to class. Maybe that will teach me from scheduling 8:00 classes when i have to drive there. Oh well.

Flags and Kids

2007-07-24T20:36:00.000-04:00

Just got home from colorguar practice. As much as i miss being a majorette-flag isnt so bad. Im actually really good-the one older girl sorta adopted me (she calls me mousey because im so quiet-haha) said im doing aswesome for never spinning before. I just catch on quickly to most things.

So im tired. ive been really alot of harry potter lately. i want to read it now, but i need to work on my speech for class tomrrow. Ive put it off alot...as usual. I guess i just dont know where i want to start. It shouldnt be too hard-basic speech on genetics-my favorite!

Speaking of school. The closer fall classes get-the more im second guessing my second major. I love music-but i dont know if i want to do it. I have to do it-simply because everyone told me that id drop it. But-i dont know how much i want to do it anymore.

Other than that, not much is going on. Im working VBS. Last year was alot more fun helping Ben to do story time. I was supposed to be helping Dave with story time-but he was so unorganized that hes just doing it himself. So now they put me in charge of the 7-9 kids! Do they know i dont like kids? Obviously they dont-or they dont care. Im not good with kids-i dont like kids. I dont know why-even when i was younger i tended to stay with adults. I just dont like them. Maybe its because they remind me of my screwed up childhood, but im pretty sure i just dont like them because they are annoying and dont listen.

Oh well-i should go. More late.

Randomness

2007-07-19T12:21:00.001-04:00

I havent posted for awhile (a weeks a long time for me). I have alot on my mind but im not sure how much i really want to write about. Plus-everything i write about is in terms of good and bad. I just feel like those arent the aspects of life i should be focusing on-or at least not in that way. Oh well-update of events.

I was released from the hospital over the weekend-but i didnt really do anything because i was beat. So i just lied around and read at my dads house. I did play in a concert sunday night in girard though.

Schools been ok. I am awesome in communications. We had to give the intro to our speeches and the prof was amazed at my speech ability (i almost laughed). I guess IB was good for something. World religion is great. Trying to discuss it without other people-still sucks. Went over to ians sunday night (after getting in a major fight with my best friend) and talked. His dad inquired about my class-and once again shot down every aspect. Its discouraging...
On the other hand-ian is great when it comes to supporting me. We talked alot about what was going on in our lives-he just gets me. Things with us are just so complicated right now...not to mention things with my actual boyfriend. Not going there...

Just got back from Cleaveland Clinic. Yup. I wish my dr understood that im trying. When she tells me how dissapointed she is it just makes things worse. Oh i visited with the social worker today. Yup...we talked a bit and i finally agreed to get help. I cant change others and i cant change situations, i can only change myself and how i react those situations.

I think thats about it. Finally get to go back to work today (which is good. ive never been this broke in my life). And oh yea-my mom said shes kicking me out this weekend, that shes putting all of my stuff in garbage bags and throwing them in the yard. I dont know if that means i should pack things myself or not. All i know is that the moment she does that she better change the locks....

this sucks

2007-07-13T21:15:00.000-04:00

So to make matters worse-im sick. To make matters worse than that-im in the hospital.

I got sick last night-the flu from my brother. The flu is dangerous because of my Gitelmans syndrome. So i went to my classes today and ended up calling my dr with chest pains and numbness in my hands and feet. So i got my blood drawn around noon and was called at 2 by my dr and told to go the ER.

So after the lovely ER and oh so painful IV potassium, i was admitted.

Yup i had to miss work and now im sitting, alone, in the hospital. I guess its a good thing im not hungry because i dont eat these crappy cold sandwiches. So yea-im bored and lonely.

Silence is golden

2007-07-12T13:22:00.000-04:00

I forgot how nice it was to be around someone who loved you and didnt scream and yell at you. I went to my dads house and helped him dig garlic and then went to dinner with him and judie. I was able to spend the night watching tv with them and it was nice. I know i shoud just move in with them-but then my mom will take all my stuff. Then again-that sounds really materialistic.

Oh ya-i washed my first load of laundry!! College here i come.

a small improvement

2007-07-11T17:30:00.000-04:00

Ok. I suppose its time for another entry. I dont know really what to write about. I guess things are a bit better. I can see the bright side and can hear God whispering to me-i am just being stubborn i guess. Id rather mope and have my pity party than praise God despite my anger, sadness, frustration, and so on.

I know i should go to church tonight-but im not. Honestly-i dont like 'church' anymore. Its so fake. Pastors (not one specific) preach what people want to hear. God forbide something controversial or real is preached...it might make someone uncomfortable or step on someones toes. Anyway-im noone to judge or complain right now-i have my own issues.

School is going well-im procrastinating as usual. First colorguard practice last night-went ok. Im catching on ok...for never spinning a flag. Maybe it wont be so bad-i hope.

Home life still sucks. If and when im home i try to make conversation with my mother-she ignores me or goes off on a tanget about what a lazy, stupid, rude, selfish bitch i am. Thats only part of it. I really do just want to leave-probably as much if not more than she wants me gone. One month until i move into the dorm....one month. I so wish that i could be like 'look mom' and just tell her all the things that are really going on in my life-the drinking, the cutting, the hating myself, and feeling like ill never be good enough for her. I wish i could tell her that im sorry that she hates me-that i ruined her life. I really didnt mean it, i didnt really choose to be born. I didnt force her to marry my father. I just feel like she blames me for her life turning out the way it is. I dont want to blame her for what i do-its not her fault. I just never learned how to deal with the way she treated me.

Enough of that. I dont want to ramble on-but i guess this is just an update. I just want things to get better. I need to take my meds...so things need to get better or my doctor is going to get really mad. For some reason-i hate to dissapoint her the most. My doctor seems to genuinely care and believe in me. So i try-i really do try to take my medications, it just doesnt always work.

I think im going to my dads house tonight. Even though i still live at home-im never here when my mom is and thats not a mistake. I leave when she comes home from work and dont come home till she goes to bed. I suppose im not making the situation better-but at least with my absence things dont get worse.

God-im still here, but you knew that. I want to cling to You, but i need to let go first. I pray that you help me to want to. I dont expect things to always be easy-i just dont want to kill myself over things when they get hard.

stranger in the mirror

2007-07-09T00:52:00.000-04:00

Procrastination as usual. Should be reading about Buddhism-but im not. I cant make myself care right now. Im still miserable and more dissapointed in myself than ever. How can i let myself go so much? Its like that game Jenga where you try to pull out the different blocks without knocking the whole tower down. I suck at that game and thats sort of how my life is. One thing goes wrong and then everything tumbles.

I hate being miss sour pants and negativity-but right now thats just how i feel. I hate the fact that i dont know how to deal in a positive manner. I just revert back to old bad habbits. Its the good, the bad, and the ugly. Im lying, going wherever i want and not letting mom know, swearing left and right, hurting myself, becoming way too involved with the bf, abusing other substances, not really eating, not really sleeping, not going to church, being rude, picking fights with friends, driving recklessly, the list seriously goes on. I dont know whats gotten into me. Thinking about it-this isnt me. Im slowly becoming a stranger to myself. I dont know what im doing or what i hope to achieve. The funniest thing is-no one has a clue. Of course not my parents. Things will only get worse before they get better...what stupid thing will i do next?

God help me...before its too late.

My white flag is waving

2007-07-06T23:47:00.001-04:00

So i havent been this depressed in a long time.
My IB results were far from what i desired. I got:

Eng-4
History-4
Span-5
Math-3
Bio-3
Music-4
Theory-B
Extended Essary-A
Plus chem-4 from last year

Giving me a total of 27 points. You need 24 for the diploma, but..and this is a big but: you need to average a 4 on your higher level classes. Which for me were History, Bio, and Eng. So doing the math i had a 4, 4, and a 3...yes that does mean that i was denied the diploma by 1 point. 1 FREAKING POINT!!!.

So todays been bad so say the least. My eyes are so puffy from crying and i think i have a permanent headache. I put so much time and effort-for what?! i have nothing to show. Basically put-im a failure.

They say bad things happen in 3's. I think im past that.

Didnt get into Yale thus Have to go to YSU
Didnt make majorette line thus Have to do colorguard.
Didnt get IB diploma thus i dont get college credit.

I know its not the end of the world-but it meant the world to me. I put so much hard work and sleepless nights. I made sacrifices. If i didnt do full IB i couldve gotten better grades because i wouldnt have spread myself so thin. If this is how highschool ended for me-i can only imagine the end of college-and i dont think it ends with a dual degree. Its bad enough im having trouble with this transition but this makes it worse. Driving home today-i seriously wanted to just drive my car into a pole..

I want to drown my sorrows but i think my secret stash is empty. I cant handle this. Im tired of pretending that i can fight this temptation. I wish i was better than i am-but because im not i dont care what i do to myself.

Im sorry Dad that i couldnt be successful and that i didnt do the best.

Im sorry mom that im not a good enough daughter/sister and that i never did anything good enough to gain your praise.

More importantly-im sorry God. Im sorry that i give up to easily and that i blame You. I do love You and i want to be the good daughter that You believe I can be-but this is too much. I thought we werent given more than we could handle. Im at my breaking point..

IB Results-the torture still isn't over!

2007-07-05T22:24:00.000-04:00

Ugh-i wasnt going to post tonight. I have class tomorrow morning and i still have to finish my reading on Hinduism. I hope i dont procrastinate in college like i did in highschool. Although i do have to say that IB made me an excellent procrastinator. I have good experience with extremely heavy work loads and pulling all nighters (sometimes more than one in a row). Speaking of IB-test results come out tomorrow. My fingers are crossed and im praying real hard! I was the only full diploma student and i would hate to not get the diploma by a point or two. What really sucks is that ill be in class when the results are posted.

So heres what i think ill get:
IB Spanish-4
IB English-5
IB History-5
IB Bio-4 (hopefully 5)
IB Math-3 (if lucky)
IB Music-5 (hopefully 6)
Plus i got a 4 on im IB chem last year.

If i got these numbers i would have *thinks* 30 which would give me the diploma. I think 28 is the min. AGHH-i graduated and IB still has me pulling out my hair!

On a side note-clinic trip today-not so well. Dr. isnt happy-of course. And they are for sure scheduling that pysch appt. Part of me doesnt want to see the shrink-the other part thinks it may do a lot of good. Haha let him deal with my issues!

Fireworks and Fights

2007-07-05T00:13:00.000-04:00

Happy 4th of July-well actually its the 5th now, but i havent gone to bed yet. Fireworks were great tonight-besides the rain that soaked me. I tend to stay up late writing because i cant sleep. I really have had a lot on my mind lately. I dont know where to start.

I guess i will start with whats bothering me and then move onto my 4th of july/freedom rampage. So i have issues with my family to say the least. Things have never been 'good' or 'nice' but rather simply tolerable-at times. The good thing is-i made it through 18 years of living with my mother and fighting with my mother. Now that i graduated-its even more complicated. Before she never wanted me to leave...but now that i graduated (and the child support money quit coming) she wants me out and picks fights with me and does anything to upset me. She calls me even more names and just picks and picks until i leave the house. She threatens to bag all my stuff up and throw it in the yard. She wants me to move to my dads and get out. Shes already made plans to fix my room up for my little brother...they cant wait for me to leave.

Shes not the only one. I mean my dad is wonderful. But they already redid my room at their house too. My stepmom drives me crazy. I know that i wanted to move on my own and that i couldnt wait to graduate and what not. But gosh wait till i actually move onto campus before you wipe all signs of my existence away. I dont know what to do until fall and then even when all of our breaks come. I might just go live with my boyfriends family while on break-thats another situation that i dont even have time to talk about.

I just feel like the carpets being pulled from underneath me. I am already having trouble with accepting the fact that im not in highschool-that the familiarity is gone-that my friends will soon be gone. But when you add to that mix that my family is picking clean any sign that i once lived in their house. I mean sure ive wanted out for years...but on my own doing.

Sigh-theres nothing i can really do at the moment...but stick it out and pray i make it until aug 24. Ok..so 4th of july. I went to this church service last sunday. (i am playing in a community band who was playing that this church). Anyway-it was a methodist church and it was so funny because their program was exactly like my old church-i wanted to gag myself..haha. Anyway the sermon was 'let freedom ring'. I thought 'hey this could be a cool sermon'. Well-the whole sermon the pastor spoke about the liberty bell and how america recieved its freedom from england. Then he ended it. I was like-'ok wheres the substance? wheres Gods message?' He could have used that message to tie into the real freedom that we have-the freedom in Christ. Thats what really matters. That we arent slaves to the old law anymore. We were saved by grace. NOT that America won a war against England. I was just very dissapointed.

Man i could just keep writing about so many things and i really want to. It makes me feel better. I just have so much anxiety and frustration built up in me that i want to act out in a number of ways...so writing helps me wind down.

I have to be up early in the morning to go up to the cleveland clinic-once again. At least this time i was able to go two weeks between visits. My doctor isnt going to be happy. My meds have sorta taken a back seat again to the chaos that i find myself in...thats another story though.

Black and White are over-rated

2007-07-04T01:15:00.000-04:00

So im starting to do the reading for my world religion class. i was a bit worried to take this class at first because i didnt want to sway from God more than i do on my own. I thought it might give me ammunition against Christianity and cause me to struggle more. Now granted i have only been in the class for a day-i have a bit of insight...of course this will be affirmed or denied by the end of the course. I think the course is more an overview of the 7 main religions (hinduism, budhism, confucianism, taoism, judaism, christianity, and islam) that shows insight to each of their values and beliefs. It isnt to prove or disprove another.

A couple weeks back in youth group we were 'taught' about how we shouldnt accept world religions because there was only 'one truth'. it was turned into a completely incorrect philosophy lesson that no one knew better to question. After taking 2 years of philosophy classes i knew better than to accept what was being said. No one said that 'the only truth is that there is none' obviously this is incorrect because it contradicts itself. But i do believe we cant know the ultimate truth..the big T. If we did what would be the point of God. We can obtain knowledge about the small t's. But i think the T is unattainable. I think this goes into other religions.

I dont think one religion is correct or incorrect. I dont think this is being 'tolerant'-i dontknow what i would call it. Obviously i believe Christianity to be correct-it works for my beliefs-but i dont think thats saying that every other religion is wrong. I do think that the three western religions are all similar. For goodness sake-jesus was a jew!! Anyway-in learning a bit about islam it seems they have similar beliefs but are different too. They believe in jesus too. I think that these three religions ultimately worship the same God. So what if they have different ways of going about it-they have different beliefs as how to reach 'heaven' (in christians case). Actually, we should be bringing heaven to earth if we really want to get technical. In all reality-dont all Christians have different beliefs as to doctrines and what not. If we all believed the same thing we wouldnt need different denomations and dont get me started on Catholicism. I dont think we were put here to argue about whose right and wrong.

All religions share similar beliefs-even the nonwestern religions. Ive been studying Hinduism today-although it may seem like they are saying that this world is only an illusion-there is so much more. Even they know that there is more to this life than personal gain, that we cant take our possessions with us to the next life. Why do we fight about these things? Why are there fights over religion? why is it wrong to the church to be accepting of other religions? These are the questions i dont understand. I think all religions can live harmoniously. They are all here for one reason-to better this world knowing that theres more to come.

Thats just something ive been thinking about lately. I wish i had someone to discuss my thoughts with at church-but people jumped down my throat when i even disagreed during youth group. Sometimes i think people just accept things that are said to them too easily. They dont bother to do research and form their own opinion. I dont think there is one right or wrong way for anything in life. Not black nor white. Sometimes theres going to be gray-actually its almost always gray. I dont think God made it that easy. I think He wanted us to have to think about issues and question Him. Is that not what the Bible says? Sometimes i feel the church as a whole is too conservative for me-especially when people look down upon you because you see something differently. It really makes you think about how Jesus was treated in his day.

Well its late and i could go on forever-but i wont. I hate the fact that i still have so much on my mind about everything...but there will be plent of time.

It's only the beginning

2007-07-02T22:06:00.000-04:00

I figured that i belong to every other website-so why not this one too? I think this blog is more so for me to document my journey as i begin the newest stage in my life. ]Things are rough-to say the least. I feel like i should be forming a new identity going into college because i didnt like my last one. Yet-the more i try to figure out who i am-the more discouraged and upset i become.

I dont want to be the typical college student who parties and becomes reckless-yet thats what i find myself becoming. Im not proud of this. For example-i want Christ to be my top most concern and identity, yet i struggle with this the most. I suppose the fact that everyone is on a journey and everyone struggles with this should be comfort enough. I just hate the fact that the opportunites when i should be acting in Christ like manners-i do the opposite.

Drinking has been a struggle with me. Its something i dont like to do but do anyway because i usually only do it when im bothered by something. Anyway-because of my deep desire to do right and huge convicition of guilt-this isnt easily done. So i was at this party and decided to drink. I stopped after a few drinks and decided that it was enough-it was after i stopped that i realized just how drunk i was. Because of my guilt i found myself praying (more like screaming) to God about how sorry i was and how stupid my choices were (i dont think that qualified as repentence). That got people laughing. But of course it didnt stop there. I somehow (only God knows how) managed to get my hands on Bible. Through my drunkenness i managed to turn to Proverbs 20:1 which just happens to be "Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise. " Yup-this was God letting me know my actions were definitely not wise. My friends found this even funnier.

This happened a month ago-but its something i just cant let go of. Everyday i think about it-about how i couldve used that night to really show how to live a Godly life. But rather i made a fool out of myself (thats not what bothers me)-more importantly i feel like i made a mockery out of God. Everytime my friends get together they dig out the camera and relive the whole night. I hate it-i know God loves me and forgives me-but i cant forgive myself.

Now im telling myself that i wont drink again-because that felt to me like Gods way of saying 'i told you so' but not in a way to affix blame-but more in a loving concering fashion as in 'theres something better i have for you'. At the same time i am looking for any opportunity to go with my friends and drink.

This wasnt what i was expecting my first blog post to be about-but its something thats been heavy on my heart. I expected my first post to be about today-my first day of college. I was so scared but it went well. It was just a lonely day because i didnt know anyone and im one of the youngest because i started early (summer semester). But i guess things change...ive talked enough.